{This would be my third edition of this post as every time I press publish it disappears. I will not be beaten by technology though and you WILL read this. Ha. And for what it’s worth, I think it’s the best version. The third one’s the charm.}
***********
I’m reading Broken Open {How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow} by Elizabeth Lesser.
I’ve barely started and already it’s amazing. {Not my most articulate or compelling book review ever, admittedly.} Something that really struck a chord with me was the chapter on the Open Secret.
I’ve always felt uncomfortable with that whole social practice of ‘how are you?’, ‘I’m fine, how are you?’, ‘I’m fine’, blah blah. As someone who has most often been described using adjectives like ‘intense’, ‘deep’, ‘sensitive’ {usually with the prefix ‘too’}, I find this kind of shallow and meaningless social banter dull at best, and quite excruciating at worst. Which is not to say I don’t frequently go along with it. 🙂
Or at least, until now. I may have a new perspective on this. In the book, Elizabeth Lesser talks about Rumi’s concept of the Open Secret, which is essentially that because we all follow this ‘I’m fine and everything’s great’ script, we often leave such interactions feeling somehow diminished, thinking the other person really has their life sorted and their shit together, and why don’t I?
The ‘secret’ being that of course beneath this very fine skin of human communication lie layers and layers of deeper truths; that we have a nagging sense of unease and we don’t know why, that one of the kids is struggling in school, that we are feeling stressed about money or work or our partner, or whatever. We don’t tend to mention these when someone asks ‘how are you?’ because perhaps we don’t feel we know them well enough, or we don’t want to bore or burden them, or there isn’t time, or we don’t want to seem weak.
Elizabeth Lesser writes:
“Rumi tells us that the moment we accept what troubles we’ve been given, the door will open. Sounds easy, sounds attractive, but it is difficult, and most of us pound on the door to freedom and happiness with every manipulative ploy save the one that actually works. If you’re interestd in opening the door to the heavens, start with the door to your own secret self. See what happens when you offer to another a glimpse of who you really are. Start slowly. Without getting dramatic, share the simple dignity of yourself in each moment – your triumphs and your failures, your satisfaction and your sorrow. Face your embarrassment at being human, and you’ll unocver ad eep well of passion and compassion. It’s a great power, your Open Secret. When your heart is undefended, you make it safe for whomever you meet to put down his burden of hiding, and then you both can walk through the open door.”
{my emphasis}
Certainly in my own experience, when I bare the bones of where I’m at in response to the ‘how are you’ question with “simple dignity” ~ and without busting out the sad violins or painting a dramatic picture ~ I find I am met with variations of relief and recognition and instantly deeper connection. By being honest and open we allow others to feel safe to do the same, and remind them that underneath we all share this business of being human, and we are never truly alone in our struggles {and triumphs}. The same with the blog; when I am open and don’t pretend, it elicits heartfelt and heartwarming responses, as though we’ve all climbed into a box together and are nodding and smiling at each other, saying ‘yes, me too’.
So here’s my current truth: I am dealing with a broken heart, the loss of a dear friend, the simultaneous shattering of many illusions I did not even know I was carrying, and the scariness of stepping into new territory with no map. AND ALSO: I am blessed beyond belief with a comfortable, cosy and beautiful home a mere minute’s walk from the sea, I am surrounded by the pillowy comfort of loving and supportive friends and family, and I am embarking on a long held dream to be of service while living a creative inspired life.
How are you?xx
I think I am going to have to get my hands on a copy of this book. The part you shares rings true. Having worked on a crisis line, I know what this looks like in practice. The walls drop and all kinds of stuff comes pouring out. This happens to me every time I’m in a hospital waiting room. (Which is quite often.) When you are willing to listen without judgement and BE REAL, people trust you and will speak their hearts to you.
How am I? Trying to sort out the feelings around being back at square one with a new diagnosis and the major adjustments that entails. I did some writing about it this morning. It’s a weird place to be, just when I felt like I had the whole MS thing mastered. Now I’m having to deal with new treatments, a new specialist, a new clinic and a ton or red tape to get treatment. I miss my neurologist, both as a doctor and as a person. I have been so busy dealing with my husband’s cancer, that I haven’t really had time to process my own stuff. Everything got shoved to the back burner, out of necessity. So..truth be told, I’m not entirely sure HOW I am.
Anyhoo…I soldier on.
Lelainia thank you for your honesty; I didn’t know if anyone would feel safe to respond and I am so glad that you did. I think you will love the book from what you say here; there is a very interesting story in it about a lady who has MS which you may find of comfort and interest. I think maybe this book should be compulsory reading for all of us! Love and healing to both you and your husband. xx
Tara, I’m sorry to hear you are heart broken. That truly sucks. But it sounds like you do have some amazing things going on in your life also!
How am I? Well, thanks for asking!!
Recovering from a depressive episode.
Enjoying summer.
Sick and tired of my job.
Happy to be starting over in a new year.
Honestly, I see the value in what you’re saying but I cannot imagine ever breaking down that “I’m fine” wall. It’s just such a habit, so engrained in me. Well … there are some people I could try this with but others definitely not.
Very thought-provoking.
Anne-Marie x
Thannk you Anne-Marie for sharing here; I’m so glad you felt safe to do so! I suffered with depression for a span of about 20 years so I feel for you, and am happy to hear you are coming out of it. I do love that ‘yes and’ quality of being able to admit that everything is not perfect BUT there is also much to be grateful for and enjoy.
I totally know what you mean about ‘would I really practice this?’ ~ I think I’m going to try regarding it as an experiment in how to be honest without making myself or others uncomfortable. Could be interesting!
x
I too am dealing with the loss of a friend and trying to work out how not to be bitter that I am too unwell to get to her funeral. I am grateful today for my husband who cares for me and makes sure I am comfortable and able to acheive what I want from the confines of my sofa. Trying not to think about the future or how much longer I have to be in this space.
This book sounds very interesting thanks for sharing it, I hope this continues to give you some comfort. I agree sharing helps a lot, my blog has been wonderful for that, I do wonder if I share too much sometimes but when your whole life is spent gaining support from online friends it really is a lifeline. Being there for each other is very healing, crying with someone always makes me feel better than crying alone. My Mum used to say ‘if you take care of each other, we are all being taken care of’ which, for me means, being honest with each other and holding each other even if your pain is very different.
Big hugs x
Hannah thank you so much for sharing such personal words here. I am so sorry that you are going through these things and I wish for you healing of both heart and body. I agree the support and camaraderie of online friendships is invaluable. I love what your Mum said; beautiful words. Hugs to you. x
i love this. i absolutely agree…when we are brave and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we create safe space for others to do the same.
i’m not, by natural inclination, a share-y person, but there are spaces and places where i let down the veil, as it were, and am rewarded beyond imagining
today, i am tired, thinky and trying to fight off discouraging thoughts. i am entirel fed up with my job but am feeling trapped and without choice…
(thank you for the safe harbour)
xo
Hi Mel. 🙂 You are so welcome for the safe harbour, and I’m so glad you feel it is one. I so enjoy all the connections I make with people who come here and take the time to read and share as you so often do. I hope that today is better for you; due to my internet issues {that you are well aware of thanks to FB!} responding is erratic.xx
Thank you so much for sharing Tara and for offering up this space. Right now I’m trying to return to practices that I know make me healthier and stronger but am terrified I’ll blow it…again…and return to an uncreative, unhealthy, and uninspired existence. I’m pushing myself outside my comfort zones and am getting very uncomfortable. xoxo
Hey Lorinda, thank you for sharing your thoughts here. Well done you for being so courageous with yourself! It’s not always easy, especially when we forget that we aren’t isolated, disconnected beings; but at least there are places to go {like here, for example!} where you can check in and find support and encouragement. xx