>>> Advance notice: This post is long. If you’re a skimmer/don’t have much time, I’ve highlighted the key points. If you decide to hunker down and read the whole thing, thank you, may I recommend a beverage, and I hope it brings you something useful, reassuring or otherwise interesting in some way. <<<
Before
Last week, I shared a recent painting that in both process and outcome reflected a feeling I’d been experiencing for some time – that I had nothing to say. It felt vulnerable and uncomfortable to share the experience, and I edited and hesitated for many days before finally pressing publish. {Thank you by the way to all who commented in support and recognition.}
By ‘nothing to say’ I mean that everything I was feeling and thinking was simply not translatable into words, not without diminishing and squeezing it into a neat package that might be more easily digested but would almost certainly be misunderstood. And more uncomfortably, the increasing intensity and persistence of this feeling as the days went by was edging out my connection to the work I’ve been doing and the way I’ve been doing it.
I’ve been sitting with that feeling, rolling it over in my mind and heart, writing privately about it, trying to understand, to see more clearly, to uncover the real purpose for my decision to take a break a couple of months ago. It feels inaccurate even to call it a ‘decision’, such was the feeling that it was a compulsion coming from somewhere beyond my small self.
I have worried that I am just a quitter, especially once I realised that the break was not a temporary one in terms of how I’d been showing up in the world with my art and my work here. I have worried about letting people down or that my apparent inconsistency would suggest a lack of commitment or integrity or ability to stick with something.
What about the wonderful people who have invested time and money and love into working with me, through mentoring, taking my courses or simply by connecting with me here on the blog or on social media?
What about my own time, energy and love that I’ve invested into creating something valuable and meaningful? Does that not mean anything any more? {The answer is it absolutely does and I stand by everything I’ve created. Devaluing what I’ve done because I’ve shifted insults both you and me.}
The push pull has been confusing and frightening. No neat packages here. No obvious outcome, only the increasing understanding that there may well not be one.
Now
I only know one thing for sure right now, and that is that change is here. It’s inside me and around me, it’s showing up in my deeply shifting desires and compulsions, my processes, my art, my writing, my way of being in the world, my inquiries into what life is for and how best to live it. And it no longer supports what I’ve been doing in quite the way that I was doing it.
I would love to tell you what exactly it DOES mean, but I’m not quite there, yet. 🙂
However I do, today, have something to say. {If that wasn’t already obvious. 😉 }
If you run an online business you will recognise at least some of this; if you don’t it may shed some eye-opening light on what goes on behind the pretty face of a website.
There are things you need to learn about running an online business {if you want it to be ‘successful’, which obviously tends to mean financially and in personal fulfilment terms}:
- You must market, and online that means social media {often multiple platforms}, blogging, email newsletters, guest posts, interviews, challenges and whatever else you can think of to spread the word about what you’re doing and who it’s for.
- It means learning to write ‘compelling copy’, learning to communicate your message so your right people hear you and feel seen and inspired to work with you. Every sales page, blog post, social media post, article must align with your voice {which you must uncover and cultivate; I’ve yet to see anyone find this easy}.
- You must create a brand, so people can recognise and begin to know, like and trust you. Your brand isn’t just your logo, colours, fonts etc; it’s also your tone, message and language. It’s your public face so it needs to be consistent and strong to catch and hold attention.
- You must know who the work is for. Specifically. Intimately. In {what feels like} insane detail. You must talk only to that person in your posts and emails {because you will find that you are then talking to many people who feel like you are talking only to them}.
- You must know your why. Without an underlying purpose it becomes very hard to keep going and evolve, as well as to know what to create. And it can’t be vague; ideally it needs to fit into a couple of sentences.
- You must be consistent. Not necessarily constant but consistent. That tends to look like weekly blog posts, weekly, twice weekly or monthly emails to your ‘list’, regular social media posts, developing relationships, and also a consistency of creative output. So you need to be creating a lot, but not so much that you don’t have time to put it out there in the world. {See the first point.}
- You must keep track of the money. Ideally you’ll also be projecting earnings and expenses. You can hire someone to handle the money {and in fact many of these things} but generally that’s difficult when you’re not yet earning enough. You must learn to wear All The Hats.
- You must plan. Without a plan {and I can testify to this} there is more freedom and there is also more stress. Winging it is a great way to ‘fail’ {make no money} or burn out from all the stress and last minute panic marketing.
Then there are the invisible/personal things:
- You must find a way to be comfortable with putting yourself out there, repeatedly. If your work is what’s often referred to as ‘heart centred’ or intensely personal, or if you are introverted or sensitive or all of the above apply, that’s going to mean feeling like a crab without a shell a lot of the time. Not comfortable. Very vulnerable.
- You must take good care of yourself in order to maintain the energy and passion required to keep creating products, posts, gifts and connections. That means not sitting at the computer all day every day, as tempting and necessary as that often feels. It means really taking care of yourself, not just paying lip service to the idea of that. And for many women especially, that in itself is a whole area of learning.
- You must not let the inevitable doubts and fears – about your abilities, your worth, the point -paralyse you.
- You must be prepared not to be an overnight success, which as I understand it only ever means the person in question was slogging away for years in obscurity before ‘success’ hit. That means you must be prepared for your efforts not to be reflected back in numbers of any kind {students, clients, followers, pounds/dollars} for quite some time.
- It can be very hard not to get caught up in numbers, especially on bad days – of readers, followers, likes – things you know don’t matter but feel like they do, especially when they decrease or don’t grow.
- It’s common to find that the creative side {the reason you started} gets squeezed into a corner while the marketing and ‘putting yourself out there’ takes centre stage and a lot of energy.
- You must find a way to do all of the above without getting stuck doing ‘what everyone else is doing’ even if it doesn’t work for you. {Harder than it sounds sometimes.} You literally must create your business’s path by walking it.
Not for nothing do they say that running a business can be one of the most powerful personal growth lessons you can embark upon!
These things are mostly simple to grasp intellectually and – in my experience – not easy to master. There is nothing wrong with any of this; it’s all good advice, essential in fact, and there’s plenty more available for anyone wanting to learn the how to of running a business. And that’s really the point; you have to be all in, or you’ll be wasting your time.
And of course there are many joyful, enriching, exciting and fulfilling elements in all of this too. It’s not all slog and self doubt. 🙂
And yet.
And this is where words begin to fail me, because I haven’t yet learned how to condense the feelings, thoughts, ideas, meanings and images into something human sized.
I am not a natural entrepreneur. I have done all the things I mentioned, as well as running a business before this one, and I find that none of it is quite ‘it’ for me. I have poured my heart and soul and mind into it, and been both deeply fulfilled and deeply frustrated at times, but ‘running a business’, even one that comes from my heart, no longer feels like where my energy is best directed.
Now I’m past the perceived ‘failure’ in admitting that, I honour myself for trying, and I laugh at the freedom admitting it brings. And in full disclosure, I am not bound to continue financially speaking. I am fortunate that it was never about earning a living for me {although I would love that}, but that is not the whole point.
Onward
So what now? Something else is coming; it’s just over the horizon but I feel its approach, without knowing what it looks like or what it will mean.
It may not look that different from what you see now {and I don’t really know what that is because I only see from the inside}; it might mean a completely fresh start. I do feel it will be something more expanded, although art and creativity are part of ‘Tara’ so they will always be part of my MO. It won’t be about numbers {meaning I won’t be running it as a business in any conventional sense}, and it may not be consistent. The call for a shift however is increasingly loud and compelling.
So that is what I have to say. That change is inevitable. That allowing it to sweep through us is the most terrifying and liberating thing we can do. And that whatever is coming I hope to be able to share it with you, while trusting that however it comes it will be whatever is most required.
If I’m going to write, I need to write how ‘I’ would write, not how I feel my ‘ideal reader/student/client’ would need me to write. {Which I always felt was a bit patronising and dumbing down for all of us.} I know the internet has shortened our attention spans but if I want to write a chunky paragraph instead of a series of two-liners, then for Pete’s sake, that is what’s going to happen! Some thoughts simply aren’t bitesize.
If I’m going to say something, it needs to be said with as much honesty, truth and clarity as I can bring forth, even if that sounds weird, doesn’t seem directly relevant or might be construed as ‘too intense’, ‘too melodramatic’ or ‘taking myself too seriously’. {Comments I’ve heard all my life.} I’m not perfect; I’m still learning to express myself – and what feels like a greater truth – as best I can.
Ultimately, this means no more packaging. As an artist of course visual delight is important to me, and I love the website that is my online home. I think it’s full of creative and inspiring goodness and I’ve seen it help many people. I hope that it continues to do so. I think of it as a little library where you can come and sit with a cup of coffee and watch a video, take some lessons or read something to encourage or spark up your desire to make something.
But the rest? As much as my ego is having a minor freak out about ‘breaking the rules’, the louder call is to honour what, well I guess what my soul is requiring of me now. {I told you – melodramatic. ;)} I’m not 100% clear on this yet, as you can probably tell, but listening to the universe is more important to me now than boxing up what wants to be created so it makes some kind of sense or is ‘marketable’.
The Soul path isn’t about getting what you want. It’s about giving who you are… without the need for a return.
~ Sera Beak
I am constantly aware of the fine balance of expressing my feelings about all this in a relatable way and falling into tedious introspection. I want what I share to be useful but I can’t attach to that {and am constantly having to DEtach – I am well trained! You wouldn’t believe how often I write blog posts in my head about every little thing}. A huge amount of trust is required to follow this call without knowing where it will lead or even what it’s exactly saying.
If it turns out to be of some use to you, then I will feel the circle has completed, but I cannot be wedded to that. If not, then I will send you blessings and do my best to keep trusting that if anyone needs to hear what I have to say, they will find it.
If you made it to this point, well done! It’s scary to be this open, and there are fears about what kind of response it might receive {my ego has plenty! ‘You’re so self indulgent! No one gives a shit about your inner workings! What about the workshops you haven’t finished creating?! Clearly you’re trying to make a business failure look spiritual!’ Um, Wow.} but I’ve never been one to let that stop me. And the compulsion does not go away, so here I am, pouring my heart out, and we’ll see where it leads. 🙂
oh Tara you have expressed every stress, dilemma, fear and drain I have with this transition to a heart centred creative product business. The forever war between the shoulder and just following my intuition 100% regardless of business advice etc.
read it all. Loved it. Looking forward to whatever comes next from you xx
Hi Deb thank you so much for this; I appreciate your words. I know that you are having similar experiences; it’s certainly a steep learning curve but there is so much in it that makes it worth it too. I have LOVED the work I’ve done the last few years, and that’s not diminished by the stressful and scary times. You have a lot of support {I’ve seen on FB and IG! And from me too of course} and I know that you can do it!
Hi Tara, you’re brave to post about this, to acknowledge, and act on the shift you’re experiencing. I’m sure that addressing it to your readers must have been very difficult.
It’s frustrating though, when some little voice is telling you that it’s time for a change but it doesn’t let you know what the change is supposed to be. Something similar happened to me during the Spring before last. I’m also an artist.
If you listen and act on it, it might not be easy, but you will grow. So many people feel this way yet continue on with what they are doing and then it becomes doing by rote – not what creativity is supposed to be about.
I was as scared as I was excited, knowing that something new was coming around the corner. I’m still waiting to see how all the pieces of the puzzle will fit into place, and maybe they never will, but I am on a new path and I’m enjoying the trip. The work I’m doing now would have never happened without a shake up, and I find that and the potential of creating more new work, very exciting
Best of luck to you!
Hi Gabrielle, thank you so much for this lovely and encouraging comment! It’s great to hear from someone a little ‘further along’ on the path of listening and responding even when the outcome is shrouded in mists. This post has had more edits than probably any I’ve ever written and for a while I thought I’d just written it for my own clarification. {Such as is available!} I’m so happy to hear that in your own experience of this it has proved be a ‘happy trip’. There’s definitely a quality of ‘may never know and that’s ok’ about this for me; a sense of constant unfolding rather than getting somewhere definable. I am very excited, and galvanised by your experience, so thank you for sharing!
PS. I love your automata – that Mango Ship is just magical!
Tara, congratulations on having the courage to listen to the universe and the willingness to go whoever you’re taken. It’s interesting to me that I and several of my creative friends are yet again in that same place as we enter our 60s. We thought we’d have things figured out by now and obviously we don’t. I think it’s the human condition. I love that you’re honoring your non-entrepreneur-ship, that you’re ready for change, that you’re unafraid to “cut bait” and move to another spot. Your journey sounds authentic and meaningful. Patience is the tough part, for me. Good luck to you. I look forward to reading about your journey as you go along.
Thank you Lisa – isn’t it funny how we always think by such and such point we’ll know what’s going on! It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that that’s not how it goes at all. I think maybe the trick is to see it {‘it’ being, well, life I suppose!} as an exciting opportunity for experimenting. 😉 Love that phrase, ‘cut bait and move to another spot’! I appreciate your words, thank you for taking the time.
Thank you for sharing Tara. As I was reading (the whole thing!) I was reminded what an instructor said to me in art school. That we spend 4 years learning at school but it would take ten years to unlearn all we were taught to find our own voice. I have been reminded of that comment many times throughout my life and I feel that it is similar to being online and that I can take in what I “should” be doing but in the end some of it is not going to be right and to honour your intuition and let things go. I am excited for you and can’t wait to see the evolution!
Well done for getting through the entire epic! 🙂 And YES, I’ve heard that too about art school, and in fact it feels true about all life for me. I seem to have spent many years now painstakingly unlearning all sorts of unhelpful crap I picked up along the way. 🙂 Thank you for your supportive words and you are so right – honour your intuition and let things go. Beautifully put.
From beginning to end – all I could think as I was reading – is how parallel the paths we walk on are…and how you’ve so clearly articulated why it is I struggle with this’all.
In spite of coaching and advice to write for and to my perfect people…I find myself only able to write in a voice that is my own.
I love that you bravely put it all out there. And – of course – I honor that voice inside you that speaks the loudest and that is encouraging you to let go to grow.
Marcie you and I have always had similar experiences around all this I think. 🙂 This question of speaking in your own voice – it seems to be something that takes time to cultivate, and for me that has meant stepping back so I can actually hear what it sounds like. 🙂 And it turns out it’s not saying what I thought it was! Anyway, thank you for your kind and supportive words. And I should add that I hear a definite voice in the things you share; a quiet, meditative, thoughtful, sensitive voice that goes perfectly with your beautiful photography.
Thanks so much for sharing Tara! Reading those lists I was nodding my head the whole time. As someone just starting out on the entrepreneur path I find some of those things hugely intimidating, but I also relish the challenge. It’s exciting to see you embracing the unknown future. I feel the same sense of uncertainty every time I create anything or put it out into the world. But, like you, I’m starting to feel comfortable in that uncertainty, always curious and wondering what’s around the next bend. I can’t wait to see what you come up with next!
Ha, that list kept growing the more things I thought of that were involved in running a business, even a tiny one! Like you I relish the challenge, and I agree creating and sharing what we create is always entwined with an element of uncertainty. Onwards with curiosity! 🙂
Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly, Tara. You are giving me much to think about. I agree totally with your list of what running your own business involves. And it certainly is a huge self-expression, self-understanding tool for personal growth!
The point of changing your own voice to meet what your audience needs is interesting. But if I have to change my voice to do so, are they really my right audience? Something for me to mull over.
I hope you’ll continue to share as you find your new way. I would love to come on the journey with you.
Lori, thank you for your comments! I think I probably wasn’t very clear about the whole voice thing {as I tried to explain in the Lounge!}. I think really it has been more about me not quite connecting up the dots, although I also feel that that’s just a sign of a greater picture, which is that of not being a natural entrepreneur, or at least not in all the ways that would make it work in the way it does for so many.
Golly, what a wonderful post and, for a moment, I thought you were my inner voice downloaded into digital format. It seems there is so much shifting for many of us right now. I have deep respect for you and all you do. I look forward to seeing how your life unfolds as I, too, patiently sit in the fog as I walk away from formulaic business. Here’s to a renaissance business!
That made me laugh out loud Lisa! Too funny. How interesting that you are experiencing some fog too; and once again a reminder that social media can never really show the full story. Renaissance business – what a great phrase! I have huge respect for your work too; for me you’re an example of someone who listened to the inner tuggings and followed, and it’s so clear that your new work is straight from the essence of who you are. Magical.
O Tara, I have been very conscious of your struggles, have been watching out for you and as Marcie has already said I understand too your need to create and speak in your own voice and from your own soul. I have learned this over the years. Now that I’m so old (!!!) 61, I have relaxed into my own culture, interests and being. Most of the advice of the perfect way to be an entrepreneur goes right over my head!! I’m not that, and nor do I aspire to it. This is a wonderful and inspiring post, I wish I could write like you with such raw insight, thank you XX
Catherine I always think of you as someone who really sits comfortably in and owns who you are, and your work really feels like it comes from that place. I love that you do things in your own way and follow your own path; it sounds so easy but in my experience it really isn’t. And I so appreciate your comment about my writing. I love to write! And want to be better at it. So the encouragement is greatly valued. xx
Tara – Your blog came at the exact moment when I took my computer up to my room to begin outlining my first four-week ecourse. You spoke about many, many of my fears and opened my eyes to what may (will :)) await me. And, you also addressed how terrifying AND liberating it all feels and although I am truly scared about embarking down this path, I also feel more alive with artistic passion than I have for a while. And, that I know, is a good thing. Thank you.
So exciting to be at that point of creating something new Alexis! I always feel that where there’s either relief or excitement – even if it’s tinged with fear – that’s my right direction. Wishing you the very best experience with your course!
Tara, thank you for writing my next post for me! 🙂 Only half joking. I’m on the same path – taking a break from my business, not knowing what’s next, just knowing it’s not what I’ve been doing for the last 10+ years. I have a feeling many of us are in the same boat and are hearing a calling for something much bigger that’s needed in our world – and by that I don’t mean necessarily doing something ‘big’ and loud out there. There’s plenty of that already – and yet, for some maybe it does mean that. I so relate and you always inspire me by giving yourself the space to share your feelings so honestly. I read your whole post too. For me, these are the kind of posts I’m happy to read as much as is written – there’s so much other stuff out there I can’t be bothered with right now. You’re the real thing – and I know that won’t change thank goodness. Good luck with what’s next. I think sitting in the void is one of the hardest things – it certainly takes courage – but how blessed we are to do it! xoxo
Haha Vicky, you are welcome. 😉 I know you’ve been sitting in the void for a while – and yes that’s exactly what it’s been like for me. I’ve noticed as I type this that where I found that terrifying for a while, I now kind of love it. I wonder if that’s your experience too? And yes, that paradox of something bigger but not necessarily in size or in ‘public’. I’m certainly looking at that in detail just now – how it would work, what it would need to be to honour what feels so strong in me, even though I don’t know exactly what that is or what it looks like yet. Thank you for your lovely words, I love that ‘the real thing’, what a compliment.
Vicky – LOVE that line….”sitting in the void” – that was a areal “aha” moment for me. Thank you.
O, dear Tara, I’ve read your post with tears in my eyes.
Although I’m not an entrepreneur, I recognize deeply the process that you’re going through.
To me, you are só courageous to reflect on and write about all the wiggly wormy and sometimes terrifying things that go through your head. I recognize them, but often lack your trust to surrender to them.
I’m glad to see so many others who support you with their thoughts. I’ve found that although you have to find and walk your path on your own, none of us can do it alone.
I find the courage in your shared process to see my own fears in the eye. And in the end, I think that’s what’s making art is all about. Bringing to light of what is in the darkness.
I love that Sofia – the wiggly wormy things! That is such a good description. And yes I agree too that you walk it on your own but you don’t have to be alone doing it. I’ve been surprised actually by how even someone as reclusive as me has found community {in my own way} so enriching and heart expanding. I’m so glad that what I wrote gives you the courage to face your own fears, and I think that’s beautiful about bringing light to the darkness. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Oh Tara. So good. What a crazy process this all is, isn’t it? I have found for me that the hardest part of it all is to give myself the permission to unfold. But once I do, the unfolding can happen and holy crap it’s scary and big and strange and ridiculous and wonderful all at once. And also not as hard as we thought. And then we come out the other side. Usually for the better although sometimes we still feel pretty raw for a while.
Thank you for being you, for talking about this openly, and for letting us in to remind us that we do have that permission to unfold and renew, even when we feel like there is no other choice and we have no clue where we’ll end up! Where we end up and what we do, in the end, is often not the point, is it? The point is the being, no matter what form that takes. And when we can do that – simply be – we are helping others as well as ourselves.
Anyway, just thank you. xo
Tania this is so strange – or maybe not strange at all – the thing I find myself repeating over and over lately is the importance of being rather than doing. That when I focus my energy on being, any doing needed just arises, without need for my interference, and it’s always exactly the right action or series of actions. So much so that actually now that’s the only way I want to live. I see from your words that you have plenty of personal experience of what I’ve been writing about – thank you for the acknowledgement and for talking about it so eloquently. It helps me see it a little clearer too. Also ‘unfold and renew’ – how I love that!
I read the whole post and feel much empathy and some relief for your decision to make change happen. This post has actually made me feel closer to you as a human and artist than ever. It is OK . It is always going to be OK.
I feel that too Peta – that it’s always going to be ok. I appreciate your comments – hadn’t seen it that way but I like the idea of connection there.
Tara there is nothing really to add to all the heartfelt comments above. So I just want to thank you for your generosity of spirit and wish you all the best from hereon forward. Xx
Thank you so much Sandy, appreciate it! 🙂
You. Brave and strong. True, always true.
(you know you’re singing my song, right?)
With you.
Ah thank you M! Happy to be in harmony with you. 🙂
Dearest Tara,
What a wonderful bold, vulnerable and honest sharing!
Yep! I’m another artist who’s soul is sensitive, not driven by social media (though that is not to say i don’t wrestle with all the “shoulds”) nor am I overdriven by ambition anymore (at age 61, it just doesn’t feel right in my bones) although like many of us, I do need to make a living, and doing so in other than what I am most passionate about, ART, is unthinkable.
But wow, everything you said, right on. And honor yourself, my dear creative, for listening, paying attention, showing up for the change of tides in your life. There is zero doubt that what emerges for you will feel so authentic and natural, though you are living in the mystery of that change at moment. Breathe, Be Still, Trust.
I continually adjust my expectations, listen in my own deep stillness, and constantly clear away those nagging thoughts about how I “should” chase my dream. No, I have to say No, consciously, and not without some fear I admit. I move forward not following all the formulae for success, just paint, teach, and passionately share my enthusiasm for the creative life, and do what I can and TRUST that that is enough. So far, so good.
I, too, can’t chase the big marketing social media big success dream of those younger artists, who are obviously more clever and savvy than me about such things, but i CAN wake up each day, and follow what feels right and comfortable in my mind, body and soul…..and TRUST (oh that word again!) that I am following my own unique path.
I’m convinced that there is a much bigger plan behind our everyday world….and you are being guided lovingly. God bless!
Hello Joanie – welcome and thank you so much for stopping by and leaving your thoughts! It sounds to me like you really have a pretty good handle on how it all works and how you want to play in that. You know it’s so funny, since letting go of a lot of what I was doing in certain ways before business wise, I’ve sold more work, had more offers of collaborative projects and seem to have touched a place that more people can really relate to! It feels SO much better to just wend my own way, and now I find I want to do more! Just to do it in my own way, which doesn’t look a lot like most of what I’ve been taught. That said, I learned SO much that’s been really useful, and I don’t think I’d be at this point now without having done all that, so it’s all worked out perfectly.
I respect you for making such conscious choices about what you’re doing and how, remembering to keep checking in with yourself and letting go of the competition aspect. And I can see you’re doing wonderful work, your way. Hooray for creating our own paths! Thank you again for taking the time to comment. It’s lovely to ‘meet’ you. 🙂
Rereading the comments, I can’t help but think that we women are a tribe ourselves, not chasing the dream in the materially accepted ways of the world, but artists seeking a deeper soul life full of expression that leave beauty and inspiration in our wake. Such a different journey and perspective from this sixth decade of life. How can one truly be an artist without the self reflection and living in the mystery that give our work depth?
Well, that’s it. So glad to have stumbled upon you, Tara, and other lovely commenters here. Hope to stay in touch. Blessings!
Beautifully put! Thank you Joanie – blessings to you!