sparkly sea _ tara leaver

Imagine a land in which there are millions of words, and not one will help create a container for what you want to express. That’s where you’ll find me lately, if you’re looking. The Land of In Between, also sometimes known as the Land of WTF.

At this point I have written, edited, rewritten, re-edited {etc} so many posts it’s getting ridiculous, and a little tedious. And yet I keep trying to make some sense of it, to myself, to you, to the imaginary people in my head. {I can tell you this because I know you have them too. 🙂 }

In part it’s because after several years of regular blogging {and loving to write} it feels weird to go irregular, and also to go ‘off topic’. What has been the norm – writing only about art and creativity – no longer works, and the new irregular, broader scoped scenario is often deeply uncomfortable and confusing, causing much squirming and trying to find ways out.

It’s also because writing a post that manages to some degree to express something that is difficult to articulate does not mean it’s all sorted and neatly tied up with a bow. {Damn it.}

I am apparently not done yet with this spin cycle. Or it’s not done with me. In spite of my efforts to direct the proceedings, it turns out I am not entirely in charge. 🙂

And the irony of it is, I am full to bursting with things to share, but they don’t seem to want to come out yet, and they aren’t necessarily about art, and I don’t know what to do with them. Are they supposed to be shared at all? I suspect it’s just too soon to know what the next step is, despite my ego’s determination to have it all clear by the end of the summer. Ha. Ha.

In this Land of In Between, what worked yesterday does not work today; what felt like stable ground turns out to be quicksand, and nothing is for sure. And because of that, the part of me that really really wants to feel secure is making itself mightily known.

Good times.

I’m borrowing from Amanda Palmer and her book The Art of Asking* for this post, since she so eloquently manages to express at least part of my current experience and thus can act as interpreter for now. All quotes are from that book, and if you haven’t yet read it, I highly recommend.

First, this:

‘A balanced artist knows when to hide in The Garret, when to throw the windows open, and when to venture out into the hallways to the kitchen, where society exists. Most important is the understanding that there are no rules – what works on one day, for one song, won’t work the next.’

By this definition I’m a somewhat unstable artist. 🙂 More unstable for trying to venture out when clearly I am not ready, in order to pacify the internal and imaginary voices.

And then:

‘Once the art is finished there is a new challenge. Down to the ground floor and out the front door, you have the marketplace. It’s loud down there. The stalls of exchange, the sound of bargaining and bartering and clanging cash registers. It’s crass and mundane compared to the The Garret – no matter what your version of The Garret looks like – where the art gets dreamed up.’

Ah, creative friends, I’ve no doubt you know this scenario well.

‘The Garret’ is safe and private and a place where you create worlds only you can see and play in. Bringing the fruits of that down and out into the world, especially for reclusive and mercurial introverts such as myself, is something that doesn’t come easily and sometimes needs careful managing, irrespective of compulsion or desire to share.

Part of that managing for me involves placating my relentless desire to be honest and open about what’s going on beyond the pretty visuals, to the degree that I’m able. I will not be able to stop writing imaginary posts until I’ve actually written one and so laid the next stone on the path.

So here’s the plan {a word I use rarely and tentatively!}:

I’m retreating back into my hidey hole for the duration of August {although I’ll probably be around on Instagram}. Then in September I’ll be back with some new posts while I gear up to running Abstractify for the final time in October. If the classroom fills enough to make running the course viable, it’ll be all systems go until the end of October, and at that point, friends, who knows!

‘Our first job in life is to recognise the gifts we’ve already got, take the donuts that show up while we cultivate and use those gifts, and then turn around and share those gifts – sometimes in the form of money, sometimes time, sometimes love – back into the puzzle of the world.’

I’m at a point now where my gifts need some recalibrating. These words remind me that they don’t have to look how they’ve looked in the past, and that I actually don’t know yet how they will evolve into what they are {I am} becoming.

See you in September friends. 🙂


PS. If you are interested in joining Abstractify in October you can sign up below and I’ll let you know when earlybird registration starts.