Imagine a land in which there are millions of words, and not one will help create a container for what you want to express. That’s where you’ll find me lately, if you’re looking. The Land of In Between, also sometimes known as the Land of WTF.
At this point I have written, edited, rewritten, re-edited {etc} so many posts it’s getting ridiculous, and a little tedious. And yet I keep trying to make some sense of it, to myself, to you, to the imaginary people in my head. {I can tell you this because I know you have them too. 🙂 }
In part it’s because after several years of regular blogging {and loving to write} it feels weird to go irregular, and also to go ‘off topic’. What has been the norm – writing only about art and creativity – no longer works, and the new irregular, broader scoped scenario is often deeply uncomfortable and confusing, causing much squirming and trying to find ways out.
It’s also because writing a post that manages to some degree to express something that is difficult to articulate does not mean it’s all sorted and neatly tied up with a bow. {Damn it.}
I am apparently not done yet with this spin cycle. Or it’s not done with me. In spite of my efforts to direct the proceedings, it turns out I am not entirely in charge. 🙂
And the irony of it is, I am full to bursting with things to share, but they don’t seem to want to come out yet, and they aren’t necessarily about art, and I don’t know what to do with them. Are they supposed to be shared at all? I suspect it’s just too soon to know what the next step is, despite my ego’s determination to have it all clear by the end of the summer. Ha. Ha.
In this Land of In Between, what worked yesterday does not work today; what felt like stable ground turns out to be quicksand, and nothing is for sure. And because of that, the part of me that really really wants to feel secure is making itself mightily known.
Good times.
I’m borrowing from Amanda Palmer and her book The Art of Asking
First, this:
‘A balanced artist knows when to hide in The Garret, when to throw the windows open, and when to venture out into the hallways to the kitchen, where society exists. Most important is the understanding that there are no rules – what works on one day, for one song, won’t work the next.’
By this definition I’m a somewhat unstable artist. 🙂 More unstable for trying to venture out when clearly I am not ready, in order to pacify the internal and imaginary voices.
And then:
‘Once the art is finished there is a new challenge. Down to the ground floor and out the front door, you have the marketplace. It’s loud down there. The stalls of exchange, the sound of bargaining and bartering and clanging cash registers. It’s crass and mundane compared to the The Garret – no matter what your version of The Garret looks like – where the art gets dreamed up.’
Ah, creative friends, I’ve no doubt you know this scenario well.
‘The Garret’ is safe and private and a place where you create worlds only you can see and play in. Bringing the fruits of that down and out into the world, especially for reclusive and mercurial introverts such as myself, is something that doesn’t come easily and sometimes needs careful managing, irrespective of compulsion or desire to share.
Part of that managing for me involves placating my relentless desire to be honest and open about what’s going on beyond the pretty visuals, to the degree that I’m able. I will not be able to stop writing imaginary posts until I’ve actually written one and so laid the next stone on the path.
So here’s the plan {a word I use rarely and tentatively!}:
I’m retreating back into my hidey hole for the duration of August {although I’ll probably be around on Instagram}. Then in September I’ll be back with some new posts while I gear up to running Abstractify for the final time in October. If the classroom fills enough to make running the course viable, it’ll be all systems go until the end of October, and at that point, friends, who knows!
‘Our first job in life is to recognise the gifts we’ve already got, take the donuts that show up while we cultivate and use those gifts, and then turn around and share those gifts – sometimes in the form of money, sometimes time, sometimes love – back into the puzzle of the world.’
I’m at a point now where my gifts need some recalibrating. These words remind me that they don’t have to look how they’ve looked in the past, and that I actually don’t know yet how they will evolve into what they are {I am} becoming.
See you in September friends. 🙂
*aff.link
PS. If you are interested in joining Abstractify in October you can sign up below and I’ll let you know when earlybird registration starts.
Hi Tara,
This part got me:
“And the irony of it is, I am full to bursting with things to share, but they don’t seem to want to come out yet, and they aren’t necessarily about art, and I don’t know what to do with them”
This part seems to describe something like incubation. Maybe you aren’t ready to hatch quite yet, but you will. I hope you’re writing your thoughts down, either saving your posts as drafts or in a notebook because you’ll then have them for future reference, whatever that future is. Think of it as inwardly focused “research.” At some point the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place, just maybe not in the way you’d thought. Hang in there and let us know how it goes!
Hi Gabrielle – I love what you said here, thank you. I absolutely think you’re spot on about the incubation, and yes, I’m writing and writing, since that’s the way I best make sense of things! LOVE that idea of ‘inwardly focused research’ – that is the perfect description. Thank you for getting it!
Tara;
Thank you for sharing. You are in my thoughts and I am honored that you choose to share this scary process with us. I wish you the very, very best and hope you can learn to ride the tides without fear.
Thank you Jacki – I’ve been thinking of you too, especially when I write these posts.
Dear Tara, it is very inspirational for me to see how you take good care of your soul. Sharing your struggles in the dark is, I’m sure, a light for many of us. I’m wishing you all the time, care and love that you need. XXX
So glad Sofia that you found inspiration here. 🙂
i think the energies are shifting Tara and they sweep us along with them whether we know it or not. Thanks for articulating what’s going on for you it helps the rest of us clarify what’s going on for us 🙂
Agreed Rachel – I really like Lee Harris’s monthly energy forecasts for shedding light/providing comfort with that. As always, my hope is that sharing will be in some way useful, so I’m glad to hear you say that. 🙂
Hi Tara. You have touched on that vulnerable inner core that so many of us creatives have – what is my place in this world, where do my gifts lie and can I really make all this work in the real world? Sometimes it is easy to think how much simpler life would be just to get up, work in a shop or office and then go home again, and to be satisfied with that. But we would miss out on so much!!! Our individual unique ‘take’ on the world, the creative energy and gifts we have to offer, the highs and lows of living a creative life, of being able to shape our days and own destiny. No wonder that responsibility can sometimes have us in a spin! I am only now trying to appreciate the cycles of creativity, the times to lay low and mentally explore the new horizons (to try on new ‘personas’?) and the times when action, to push and be proactive are required to make the next steps happen. That is hard. So please, be kind to yourself, believe in yourself, and trust the universe. All will be well and as it should be. That quiet place, deep in your heart knows what should come next and when all is in alignment you will feel renewed and ready for whatever is the next stage. You have so much support from friends (realtime and online) so take courage from that and know you are not alone.
Hi Tod, thank you for such a thoughtful, understanding and supportive response. Those are definitely some of the questions I’m asking, and discovering that the answers don’t lie where I thought, which is both scary and intriguing. Your comment reminds me of the stark difference in feel between my life when I WAS working in a shop and living much more on the surface of life etc, and my life now where creativity and deep inner focus take centre stage, so I’m grateful for that nudge, especially on more difficult days. I like too how you talk about it as a responsibility; I often struggle with fears of being self-indulgent or too self-absorbed, and this broadens the perspective. And yes, trying on different personas! Which I find leads to interesting new understandings about who is actually real under all this. Thank you for the reminder that I’m not alone in this experience. 🙂