I’ve just been going through all the images I have of my paintings, and picking out the ones that really feel like me; when I look at them something in me goes ‘yes’. Take these two below ~ paintings I did on paper when I was doing Conne Hozvicka’s class in 21 Secrets.I never fail to get that little squiggle of recognition inside, and something else I can’t quite name, when I look at these two, even though they’re not necessarily finished or ‘for’ anything. That tells me that they are me; an outward reflection of what’s inside that looks (and feels) familiar.
I don’t seem to have the verbal language for either the feeling or what it is about them that feels right and good. The best I can do right now is that it’s like settling into my groove. That position on the sofa that is just right for total comfort and cosiness. Total centredness and alignment with myself. A ‘clicking in’.I also a little bit wish that what was really me was something rather different! Something softer, paler, sketchier, cooler (in colour), more ‘grown up’ somehow.
In trying to discern what is common to all of these paintings (and it isn’t colour or even style necessarily ~ just look at the boat and peacock paintings), I notice primarily organic shapes; rich, strong and vibrant colours; a certain manipulation of paint, a blendedness. Also papers and texture, layering and glazing. Divisions of the canvas.But also I remember that each of these paintings required little or no planning or thoughtful input from me. They just sort of emerged. (With the exeption of the peacock, which was inspired by, although not directly copied from, an image I found.)
Another thing that came up for me over the past week is how damn seriously I seem to take everything! Enough already with the serious!
I get the sneaking feeling that that is not what life is meant to be about at all. That things are defined by the perspective we bring to them. That’s why someone who’s been through dark things we can barely imagine can see the gifts in them, why it sometimes takes a big upheaval and change in our lives to show us a different way of seeing.
I know I often sound a bit intense (can you be a bit intense? Is that like being a bit pregnant?) ~ in fact a friend recently used that exact word to describe me. It really bothered me. I got a bit intense about it. I have decided it’s time to lighten up. Just because something is important to me doesn’t mean it can’t be a fun, joyous and uplifting thing. Maybe there isn’t always a ‘why’. Maybe something is beautiful because you find it beautiful.