Earlier this year I was in a bit of turmoil about my work. So I took a step back, to see if I could make some kind of sense out of the confusion. I did make a little, so I stepped forward again and wrote this. {Which I actually think is the best post I’ve ever written, and that in itself is a significant signpost I missed for a while.}
Time passed, things happened, I ran Abstractify for what seemed likely to be the last time {still not sure about that yet}, and then I went away for a few days to a cosy cottage in the country where there was no internet and a lot of solitude. It was blissful, and I realised some truths about myself that needed acknowledging. When I got back I jumped straight into Susannah Conway’s new ecourse, The Inside Story, and immediately fell down a rabbit hole of renewed excitement, passion, and curiosity for my work. To say I’m happy about this is an understatement.
The undercurrents
For quite a while now I’ve been feeling that my blog has moved a bit too far from what it was when I first began, about seven years ago. Back then it was only ever about making art {and other things}, sharing, and connecting with others doing the same. I was coming out of a long depression and rediscovering my art, and myself through it. It wasn’t about making money, and I’m not meaning to imply that that’s a bad thing.
It’s just that, for me anyway, as soon as earning entered the equation, the pressure that created took me on a different path from where I started. It’s not that I’ve strayed in terms of integrity; I still share as honestly and transparently as I can about the creative process, what I learn, and whatever I think of or see would be helpful to address around that. But there’s definitely a style of writing that is more ‘businessly’ inclined, and an approach to the work that shifts when you are looking at it as a source of income.
I write to the best of my ability and I stand by and believe in the message behind everything I say on this website, which is essentially {although not exactly ‘new information’} that we are all creative. That it’s simply {if not always easily} a matter of finding out how that comes through each of us as unique individuals and cultivating it. And that I want to support and encourage anyone who wants to do that, because I do ultimately believe {and know, for myself} that creativity isn’t an indulgence or a thing to do when you’ve done everything else; it’s an essential part of being a whole person, and whole people are what this world needs, more and more.
I would do this work in some form or other even if it never earned me a penny {and often do!}; I can’t imagine what else I’d be doing that would feel as meaningful, fun, interesting, fulfilling, or worthwhile, or line up so well with who I am. There are two elements that haven’t been sitting quite right for me though; the need to earn enough to make it viable to continue, and the consequent necessity to learn about how to do that. I’ve done a lot of business courses at this point, but it wasn’t until I took Susannah’s course that I truly understood what was missing; ‘me’, as I am. Bumbling and stumbling and sometimes triumphant; often unsure of what I’m doing {although not why}. Learning as I go. That I can be exactly who I am and still do this work successfully, in all the ways that means for me.
So something definitely has to change, but it’s not about anything dramatic like closing the site, or starting something new. And it’s not about going backwards; if this is to be my work I’d like to – and in part need to – make it more financially viable than it currently is. But I also want to be more me, not me with my ‘this is a business’ hat on. As I realised a while back, I’m not an entrepreneur. But I still believe there’s a way to make it work where I get to be just me and bring in some money. And I think sharing that side of things feels more like me and might also be more useful to you. So it’s really about a bit of course correcting.
A few adjustments
I’d like to start writing more about what goes on behind the scenes of learning how to earn money from what you love {and need} to do while staying true to who you are. Especially because, having finally acknowledged who I am {a solitary} and am not {an entrepreneur}, I have a better understanding now of why some things didn’t work and how to create work that works with that, instead of trying to force my square pegness into a round hole and feeling wrong and disillusioned.
I’d like to talk about the bits where it’s perhaps not as shiny and not as easy as it might look, as well as the personal triumphs, and just the kinds of things that happen around here to create what you see and {hopefully} find useful. And I want to talk more about my personal creative projects that might be nothing to do with ‘work’ per se.
People sometimes ask me about blogging and other more businessy aspects, and I have been feeling that I’m missing something out by not talking about more of my personal feelings about it all as I used to. I’m not a bare all kind of person, as much as I admire that quality in others, but I do want to be transparent and open around my work; I do want to talk about what I think and how I feel about the experiences of working like this. I feel it’s important that people don’t think it’s all rainbows and unicorns; that leads to disillusionment and feeling like maybe there’s something wrong with you, and I never want you to feel that.
Perhaps it’ll be useful to you, perhaps not; either way it feels right. It feels more whole.
And so I’m going to do my best to bring more of me into my posts here. I’ll be as honest and open as I can, and aim for at least mildly interesting over boringly introspective. 🙂 I’ll still be writing about art and creativity, sharing process posts, answering questions, creating things to help you any way I can. I’m starting an interview series that’ll begin next week which I think you’ll find interesting, and a have a few other ideas in the works. I’m not sure yet what’s going to happen with the courses. I’d like to keep running them, and even have an idea for a new one up my sleeve, but I need a bit of time to sit with this and work out what feels sustainable.
Although I have kind of already decided to do this :), I’d still really like to know what you think. What you come here for, how the site or any of my work helps you, if it does, and whether you’d like to see a bit more of the inner workings. If there’s anything in particular you would like to know, I’ll be more than happy to tailor it to specifics. I feel pretty vulnerable sharing what I’ve shared today, but I think maybe that’s a good sign. So here’s the talking stick – it’s your turn. Any comments, questions, thoughts – please share below! 🙂
I come here because you are Tara, with your talent, your passion, and especially your you-ness, which is vulnerable, sometimes unsure, in love with color and water. Thank you, Tara.
Ah, the elusive you-ness! 🙂 Am glad that comes across {it’s almost impossible to tell when you’re on the inside of it!}, and that it offers something back to you Elmdea. 🙂
it helps me to know that others, [ you specific] are reeeally good at their artzy AND you stumble too. I’m not so hotcha yet at mine…BUT, I have a great need to view beauty, when I’m feeling blue. & you are a source of that INSPIRATION for me. I’m unable to tolerate antidepressants, sooo, seeing your work, hearing your words, then doing my own arzty is literally for survival. blessings … have HOPE * BE HOPE * share HOPE
Hi Mir’yam – thank you for stopping by! I am so glad it helps to hear about the stumbling – I do talk about it from time to time but it probably happens a lot more often than it might appear! 🙂
This is a wonderful and refreshing post! I personally suck at being an entrepreneur and I have spent the last 18 months creating some of my art with a gun to my head (I tried to be lucrative and make money from my skills).
The biggest lesson I have learnt is that the projects I became passionately involved with have become the most delightful and rewarding ways to make a flow of money. In that they are the projects I would do for free and for its sheer pleasure.
I look forwards to seeing what unfolds here. Onwards and upwards! xx
Lol – I also suck at being an entrepreneur! Isn’t it interesting how just taking that label off makes it so much easier to find where your personal flow is {in and out}?! Thanks for sharing your perspective here Lisa – solidarity! 🙂 x
Having spent much of the year, not creating, I’m back; sometimes with an idea, but mostly just bimbling about, experimenting with paint and paper and ink, and not worrying about the result. And that ‘not worrying’ is something I picked up thanks to you.
So now that I’m back doing the on-line thing, this seemed a natural place to come back to, along with one or two others. It’s not just about the art, it’s kind of ‘the feel’ of it; it’s not all ‘look how good I am and how fantastic my art is’, it’s more natural? organic? human?
Hmmmm. after that rambling, I suppose the concise answer is – “I don’t know”. Or rather I can’t pin it down exactly.
Nigel! Good to see you here again. 🙂 Just had a peep at your blog and really loving your recent work! I see AEDM got you back up and running. 🙂 Thank you so much for your comments here – I see a lot of compliments in the ‘rambling’ and words that make me happy, like ‘organic’ and ‘human’. Very good to hear!
{PS. Did you get my email about the giveaway? You were the winner of the Color for Clarity book! If you could pop me your address I can get it posted out to you.}
oh, Tara. I resonate with *so* much of this myself. I love this truth-telling, seeking, the call and pull to be and share who we are, in-process. I come here because I admire the way you even ask these questions, the way you take pause to discern and discover what is needed for your process, and the way you are committed to authenticity and art as a way of living (not just making a living). I come here because there are others of us out here – and it’s good to remember that. 😉 Sending a hug your way. xoxo~h
Right back atcha, all of it! I do notice that the more I acknowledge and accept who I am, the easier it becomes to do what I’d naturally do, and then that what we naturally do turns out to be the best thing not just for us but for others too. So then the ‘solution’ truly does become ‘just be yourself’. It’s just the getting to that point that’s hard! Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts Hali. 🙂 xo
I come here for your honesty and Very Good Writing. Always assured of that. You’ve never failed me. Honoured to know you Tara Leaver. Xox
Ah, well coming from you as a Very Good Writer, I am very happy to hear that Malini! xx
I come here, to Abstractify, to Art Notes and Creative Spark for the support, inspiration, light and positive energy shining from a fellow multi-creative. I would like to hear a bit more about the ukelele playing 🙂
Haha! Ahem. Yes, well that’s coming along slowly! The thing about the uke is the melody tends to come from the voice, and that is not going to make for a pleasant video. 😉 I’ve been working on Amazing Grace and the chorus of 3 Little Birds by Bob Marley recently, but I’m definitely not a natural musician so this one’s coming along more slowly. Will give updates when there’s something actually to show and tell! And thank you for the kind words Andy. 🙂
Love this, it rings so many bells! As Elizabeth Gilbert says why not do what we would do anyway even if we know that it will fail? Those things that are so good for our soul, but maybe less easy on our ego? Those things as you say that are truly really and fun and sweet and just US!!!
Yes, it does seem crazy not to do what we’d be doing anyway! I’ve had a lot of back and forth about whether it’s ‘ok’ to earn a living from that, not to mention how!, but one of the many gifts of the internet is that I’ve seen so many people doing just that. Thanks for stopping by Catherine!
Tara: I always look forward to reading your posts. Having just started blogging a few months ago, and having also just started working more routinely on my creative impulses (don’t know if I can call it art), I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all the soul searching you have shared with us in the last while. It is an eye-opener for me as I didn’t realize the struggle that is involved in the practise is shared by so many artists and I thought I was alone in feeling discouraged with my work at times. Thank you for being you….honest, inspiring, open-minded, generous, kind-hearted…and thought-provoking.
Louise, this is the highest compliment you could offer me {all those things, AND thought provoking!}, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. Made my day! Especially to know that sharing what’s true for me can be helpful and supportive of someone else’s journey. Congratulations on starting your blog and following your creative impulses! You will never regret that.
Tara, I come to your site because I love the way you share your vulnerability and your inspiration. I also love your art works, and all of it.
It was so good to read this post as I thought you were an artist who had it all sorted, i.e. was earning a living from it, as well as passionately expressing your own truth?!
I was going to ask you some technical questions about your courses as this is something I am considering, so in terms of what I would like it’s how did you do it, you being the trail blazer!
I love the idea of following your own heart naturally and that being the work you do, AND I think it takes a lot of trust and hard work and commitment (to trying things out and stumbling) for it to work.
The world needs people like you – with love and respect.
I laughed out loud reading your comment Tessa! An artist {or human!} who has it all sorted – what’s that? 😉 It’s a constant learning curve, with some detours, in my experience! I’d be happy to talk more about how I put my courses together – will see about creating a post around that. If you have any specific questions please do email me {tara@taraleaver.com}. I love your point about following what’s natural AND it taking more than just ‘following your bliss’; it’s a dance really. Although the following, if I’m really doing it, does have a quality of effortlessness to it.
PS. Love the idea for your new course!
Ah what a great, authentic and reassuring post! I know where you’re coming from and a lot of points i agree with. I do think you’re more open than you realise though 🙂 and your honesty is lovely. I come here because you’re lovely and display a human quality of humbleness. X
Thank you so much Cheryl! Funny, while I was writing it I kept remembering posts where I HAD already done what I am feeling I need to be doing – memory like a sieve! But there’s always room for more expansions, and yes, course correcting, even tiny adjustments. I appreciate your kind words.
As you might guess – this totally resonated with me. I – too – have been struggling to find that just right balance…and have now opened myself up to sharing more of my heart in any way my heart speaks loudest.
I come here because I know that I’ll find a like-hearted/minded soul who bravely dares to open herself up to the magic.
Looking forward to following your footsteps.
Hey Marcie – yes here we are again! {Still!} Sounds like you are very much on track though. I’m starting to understand that the more we drop from head to heart, the easier it becomes.
ah, miz Tara! I came, via your art-notes letter because i often find that you and i are running along parallel moonbeams! So much of what you’ve written here resonates with me — the sucking at entrepreneurship [although i’m coming to the conclusion that us HSP/introvert types simply need to devise our own approaches to entrepreneurship rather than tell ourselves we suck — which is what we told ourselves about being sensitive/introverts], the wanting to bring more ‘me’ to the table….but without draining myself completely. For now, I’m just immersing myself in the creative aspect – writing like my life depends on it [which it sort of does if you count mental/spiritual/emotional well-being] and trusting I’ll find my way in good time.
Anyway — I always leave here feeling not so alone. And that’s a big thing for a sensitive creative in the Bigger!Faster!Shinier! world of the internets. I raise my mug of tea in salute!
xoxo
Mel! I didn’t know you still got the Artnotes – how lovely. 🙂 LOVE that point about saying we suck at entrepreneurship; yes, it does really feel like a redefining of terms, ones that makes sense to us as individuals. I feel so sure there’s a way for each of us, and this is what it’s about for me now – finding that and following it. If I can help others in the process, even better. Love to hear that you’re in full writing flow! Clink! 🙂 xx
Your website is one of my bookmarks precisely because you are honest, open, and generous with your knowledge and insights. You speak of the creative process without the pretentious “artspeak” that so many so-called artists resort to. As I have gotten older, my definition of what art is has broadened a great deal–doesn’t mean I like everything I see, but I try to respect the work. I am searching for my own art path and feel privileged that you are willing to share your search with all of us.
Never apologize for trying to make a living with your art and your thoughts about art. We do not question actors, dancers, singers, composers, or writers for wanting to be paid. Why do we question artists for striving for the same thing? And just remember, there are plenty of bad actors, dancers, singers, composers, and writers who are making a living from their work! I wonder how many of them would be better if they were true to themselves instead of trying to fit into some pre-set mold.
I believe that artistic integrity comes from being true to your vision, to who you are. Strangely, I also think that the occasional foray into popular trends is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you keep coming back to yourself and your ideas. Getting our work out there for others to appreciate is an important part of the process. It can be very hard (as many of us know) and it is so easy to lose one’s vision, to balance self against sales. Your willingness to share this process with us is remarkable and why I keep reading your posts! Thank you!
Hi Jaye, thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment. I am happy to hear you find a lack of pretentiousness here. 🙂 It’s funny {also ridiculous} isn’t it how hard it can be for artists to claim a right to earn a living from what they do when for others in the arts it seems more of a given. I think that’s especially the case perhaps if you haven’t been through any kind of formal art education and are just finding your way on your own. I do think that’s changing now we have the internet, but the ingrained beliefs are hard to shift sometimes.
Tara, I love your writing, your vulnerability and willingness to share with us. I wish I had friends in the flesh like you and the people that are drawn to you. I am not very far into my abilities as a painter, I treasure your guidance in helping me “let go”. I also treasure your willingness to share your process. Your vulnerabilities and mine are a match. Art is my refuge in a civilization that was not structured for my sensitivity. I am more introverted and spend most of my days in my head. I also struggle with depression. For those times I can lose myself in art, I am relieved.
I’m awed by your ability to express yourself both in writing and in painting. After reading everyone’s posts, Tara, I hope you realize that you are a mentor for those of us that follow you. You are sharing yourself with safe people. I am quite sure that we are here because we are like you and don’t know what to do with it. You are showing us a path.
As a person who prefers art as a creative pursuit, I still need to earn a roof over my head. So I would welcome learning about your business. I keep wondering if making money with painting is possible. If I want to, I am capable of painting very nice, fairly true to life acrylic paintings of pets (for money), but that is not the same as painting what’s from my heart and soul. Yes it is still heart and soul but it’s not nearly as uniquely my voice as I might be able to develop with more room to fail. I’ve been taking your class and not posting too many images because most have become an exercise but not good enough to show.
Back to the point, I’d love the opportunity to continue to learn from you. Learn how to make an art business and learn how to find my own art voice. You are a shiny gem and a best kept secret. I’m sure your art entrepreneurship is just ready to burst at the seams and I’d be grateful if I could learn with you.
Gosh this is all so lovely – thank you Ellen for such encouraging words! It really is so good to hear what people are actually thinking – when I send out Artnotes or blog posts into the ethers I can never be sure {despite past kind comments}. And to have this kind of detail is also so helpful! I’ve noted all the things you express an interest in. I really appreciate you taking the time. If I can shed a little light on the path of self discovery through creativity I feel like I’m doing what I came here to do. That’s huge. Thank you.
Sidenote: If you want to, and can do pet paintings – even from time to time – and earn from them, that could be a doable ‘way in’ – running an online business costs money. {It would also get you painting more often and that in itself develops style and confidence.} I cover my costs now and that feels like a start at least! It also frees me up to explore the other stuff – the true heart stuff, and grow that at a pace that I can sustain.
Second sidenote: Please do share more of your work in the group! There truly is no ‘good enough to show’. We’re there to support you as you grow in confidence. Not everything everyone shares is a completed masterpiece. And your recent painting was LOVELY.