I had a ‘real-eyes-ation’ the other day.

I wrote it down before I could forget, and have since gone back to it many times as the words give me comfort. Now, it may be that they give me comfort because I wrote them to myself in my own words from a direct personal experience, but there is something in me that feels compelled to share them.

{I’ve tried not sharing and it is still nagging away at me.}

So here, interspersed with some photos from my roof garden, and against my ego’s insistence that I keep it private because “it’s personal and embarrassing and everyone will think I’m being pseudo-spiritual ~ oh and by the way showing weakness is really uncool” {I know, kind of hilarious in black and white!}, is what I wrote. {Unedited – eek.*}

May it comfort you too.

I was just crying during my cushion time**, thinking about the things I struggle with and how the struggle feels endless and is so hard and painful, and I was thinking ‘it feels like a mountain’ ~ of stuff to overcome/get over/deal with. And I said ‘please help me, please help me’.

I don’t know what order it happened in but suddenly I thought ‘There is no mountain’, and I saw that there is only this, now, this, now. No mountain ~ the mountain was in my head, I made it up, it wasn’t real. I only had to do this moment now, where there is no mountain.

I’m not sure I’ve ever really understood experientially what it means to drop from the head to the heart, but I heard that by touching where your heart chakra is you automatically refocus there, so I did. I didn’t really feel different but I did realise that in my heart there’s no thinking, so there’s no pain.

There is only love and peace and joy there, and if I refocus/go there I see that everything in my head is not real or true. I tell myself story after story and then believe myself, buying into the pain and fear and loss and sadness and frustration.

My heart takes part in none of this. The heart is only love, constant and flowing, like a river over rocks.

If I stay in my heart I tell no stories, I accept what is, I go with the flow of whatever’s happening around me, and I don’t get tangled up. It’s not about denying, ignoring, running away from ~ the stories will probably always be running.

But they can run in the background instead of the foreground. It is about refocusing to a place where all my offerings are.

Where I am not withdrawing in discomfort, or frustrated and raging, or heartbroken {mindbroken?} and sad. I can let those things be there while I sit in my heart and know love and acceptance.

As I write this I am wondering if I am, as always, intellectualising a concept, but that is also a story! A distraction by my mind to keep me in thrall to pain and suffering. I want and need to hold onto this real-eyes-ation.

I forget my learnings so easily. There is no mountain.”


*20 mins of “meditation” I do every morning on a cushion

**photos are totally edited {attempting to silence the ego with a compromise :)}