Do you ever get bored with yourself? I’m a bit bored with myself. Well, in terms of ‘being an artist’. I think I’m trying too hard. And somehow not doing enough at the same time. I suppose it’s what you might call a rut.I really like this reworked painting. Kind of. But I feel like a fraud because it didn’t take me six months to do. You know, like when a Real Artist does a painting and it takes ages.I always seem to have this struggle with validity. I know I’m not the only one, and when friends express similar feelings I am always astonished and want to shout – What are you talking about? You’re brilliant, and individual, and looking at your work makes me feel amazing! (And I don’t care if it took you six weeks or six minutes.) Why I can’t shout that at myself I’ve no idea.But I’m starting to be annoyed with how my paintings are pretty much purely aesthetic. I have so many thoughts and feelings I could (and I think need to) be expressing, ideas that could be worked out on the canvas, but all that comes out is circles! And flowers and lines. And in this case pears. Here it is before and after.
I think it’s fear. I’ve been avoiding the studio, or wandering in and wandering straight out again. I’ve even piled a bunch of crap in the doorway which makes it hard to get in there! I want to be the sort of person who paints from the moment she is up until bed time. What I actually am is the sort of person who is letting her fears stop her from doing what she loves. Which is silly. I’m sure recognising it is half the battle, so I’m off to clear the doorway and Get In There and win the rest of it. There.