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change is the only constant

September 27, 2012 by 6 Comments

Hello lovelies

Thank you for all the love and support you’ve sent since my last post. It has been a great comfort.

Jeanne always says to me ‘change is the only constant’, and this past week may have been my most profound lesson yet in that particular perception. I am keen to maintain the ratio of mainly-art-and-just-a-little-learning-and-wisdom-I-pick-up-along-the-way here, but let’s just say that where I previously had a lot of stories and old programmes around the ‘Disney’ perspective on love and the ‘loss’ of it, a veil has at least been partially lifted now.

Believing that my relationship with the man I love had been lost and irreparably broken was intensely painful, and not in fact true. Nothing is lost, only changed. I can sit in the pit of despair or I can embrace the new form our relationship is taking.  A period to grieve is perhaps still necessary, but now a new present and future open up in front of me, where the connection we share is still very much alive, and I also now have the freedom to explore what comes next for me.

And that’s pretty exciting! There is a tiny glow starting to form at the end of the tunnel as far as selling my flat and buying and moving into the new one are concerned. It feels like it’s taking forever but I’m reliably informed that around three months is normal.

I am writing a book. I have decided to treat myself to the self study version of Jen Louden and Michele Lisenbury Christensen’s TeachNow course, in preparation for running art sessions from my new studio once I’ve moved. I have been spending the past few weeks brainstorming, making notes, researching and planning. I will talk more about this later but the fundamental premise is to offer a safe, supportive space for people wishing to explore or rediscover their creativity. The book dovetails with this and I will shortly be putting another page on this website for further information.

I leave you with a little sketch I did of one of my Buddha statues. I drew it without looking at the page, then played with watercolour pencils, pen and charcoal.

Filed Under: journey, love, online classes, sketchbook Tagged With: , , , ,

light through cracks

September 20, 2012 by 16 Comments

I took this photo when I did Vivienne McMaster’s Wading In class. I remembered it last night and even though I don’t really know what I’m about to write it felt like the right image.

D and I parted ways last night. I feel like something has been severed in me. I feel like I lost my best friend. Jeanne says it’s not really a loss, just a shift, but I think I will have to get through the grieving part before I can truly see the truth in that.

Sometimes loving someone with your whole heart really just isn’t enough. We had kind of a bumpy ride it’s true, but I didn’t want it to come to this. It seems we just reached capacity.

I feel so sad. I want to find the good, probably partly because it hurts so much and I want to feel better. I’ve been here before {haven’t we all?}, and it never gets easier but I do know from experience now that I will get through it, and see the light that comes through the crack. And ultimately I may be grateful.

I don’t know you guys, this year has battered me around a fair bit, and I’m sure it has challenged you too {in some cases I know that’s true}. I don’t want to see myself as a victim; this was my choice as much as it was his. I have plenty to focus on with my imminent move and new life starting. I have friends and loved ones who support me. You just keep walking forward towards the light the best you can. {Maybe with one or two pit stops for wailing and handwringing.}

Thanks for listening. I have a couple of paintings on the way and I look forward to feeling more like myself again. I feel grateful to know you are out there, living your life and walking forward too.

Much love xoxo

Filed Under: journey, love Tagged With: , ,

growing things and keeping my eye in

August 7, 2012 by 3 Comments

This is the absolute last tomato plant photo until they are ready to eat, I promise. But some days you take your joy where you can find it, and while watering my plants just now I realised one of my tomatoes is FINALLY turning red. This is huge people. The thought of eating something I grew blows my tiny mind. And yes I’m aware people do it all the time without having to photograph it and make a general song and dance about it.

But the thought of recording what I’ve mostly done today, which is fill in solicitor forms and scrabble about for all the information they’re asking for whilst trying to keep my hair on and my knickers untwisted, just doesn’t compare to my one red tomato.

Oh and here are two new envelopes of joy, just to remind us all that I’m also an artist {ha}, not just someone who photographs random things and witters on about plants.

They are a good way to keep my eye in as I wander in yet another arid, painting free desert.

Filed Under: creativity Tagged With: , , ,

love letters

July 6, 2012 by 4 Comments

Ah, romantic gestures. ;)

I did one for D. He has a lot on his plate at the moment so {with a little help} I concocted a week long gift that would remind him of what is joyful about what we share, and also what he needs to remember to do!

Every day for a week he received a hand delivered squishy envelope containing a vintage looking luggage tag embellished with a meaningful quote and a stone with a hand drawn letter on it. {SO fun to do.}

I mixed up the stones so he would have to work out what word the stones spelled at the end of the week. I spent quite some time choosing quotes that were relevant to us, writing them out with my amazing calligraphy pen, choosing stones, drawing the letters on, then wrapping each one in a piece of linen and making handwritten labels for the envelopes.

Note to all those thinking this is an awesome idea. It is. But also, if you don’t indicate that this week long gift fest is from you, there may be some confusion and misunderstanding, leading to necessary explanations, which is NOT romantic. {Don’t ask.}

Filed Under: crafts, creativity, love, quote Tagged With: , , , ,

on love, in sadness

May 22, 2012 by 12 Comments

That’s actually the name of one of my favourite Jason Mraz songs, but it’s fitting. D and I are taking a time out; it’s not what I want although I guess on some level it must be, but the fact is I am very very sad right now. I am getting on with my life, I am ok, I still laugh and dance and continue my love affair with the beach, but there’s a big lump of sad trailing around behind me just now.

I don’t know what will happen, I can only hold a space for Something Wonderful, even if that doesn’t ultimately look like what I right now hope it might. I’m doing a lot of thinking too, and some ideas for paintings are percolating and will be show-and-telled when they come into being, but for now, I can’t {and don’t want to} pretend I am not sad.

There are so many complicated {and yet somehow simple} feelings when you part ways with someone; someone said to me it is a grieving process even though no one has died. I guess the thing that died was the potential of the future you saw growing. It’s not that now there is no future of course, only it doesn’t look like what you thought, and even though I have faith that everything happens for a reason, and that whatever comes next can only be magnificent, there is no point pretending to myself that I am only excited about that. That I don’t have fear and sorrow, confusion and even some anger. To not honour those would be to deny them and have to deal with them later anyway.

I wasn’t going to say any of this. I am not asking for sympathy {although I take my comfort where I can find it!}; I know there is nothing to say. It is a part of my life though and I guess it wanted to be said. And I also know that there are many many many of us {human beans} who are being buffeted about these days. If it’s not 2012 stuff it’s planetary alignments or solar or lunar eclipses, or just weird energy that brings change out of nowhere and smacks us upside the head repeatedly in a variety of imaginative ways.

And so if shitty or difficult or sad things are happening to you or your loved ones, I send you enormous beams of love and endless streams of miracles. I send you big spaces where you can breathe deeply and feel peace, enormous reserves of strength within you and big swathes of hugs to support you. May your light shine brightly and bring healing to all you come across, starting with you.

{And if you don’t need it right now, maybe that message is for me after all.}

Filed Under: brighton, healing, journey, love, the beach Tagged With: , , , , ,