Sorry if you read this already via the link yesterday; I just wanted a record of it on my own blog.

December 26th, 2010

2010 Word of the Year: INDEPENDENCE

Note: It’s time to set intention for 2011 at Christine’s Blog. As we roll into another New Year, each day will feature a new guest author who chose one word as a way of setting intention for 2010. Today’s guest is Tara Leaver.

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As soon as I read about the idea for a word for the year I loved it, and I knew straight away that I would choose the word ‘independence’.

I’ve struggled with it my whole life, long since becoming an adult, which sounds strange perhaps but I was always one of those people who was too scared to break the rules or ask myself what I really wanted, for all kinds of reasons.

Finally I realised that being a good girl was not only not working for me, but that I was able (and allowed!) to do something about it. Even the simple act of CHOOSING my word made me feel optimistic and excited for the year ahead.

And you could say I definitely got the chance to use it! I traveled to the other side of the world on my own for two and a half months for starters. Not just a life-opening experience in itself, it also resulted in a relationship which, although short, was a test. I guess choosing a word like independence is asking for people to start popping up in your life with demands and needs and rules, just so you can practice using it!

Realising I didn’t actually want to move to New Zealand and marry this guy was a big turning point for me in understanding and embracing my independence. It was such a relief to admit it I knew it was right.

So there I was, back home after an extraordinary journey, ready to find some work and get back into painting, and up popped my third challenge! I found a sculpture studio looking for volunteers and went to offer my services.

J, the sculptor, and I instantly clicked, and a friendship developed. He made his feelings very clear very quickly, but I was still with the New Zealander and am not the kind to contemplate sharing myself around. So our friendship grew and grew, my relationship eventually ended, and J stepped things up a notch on the seduction front! Things happened very quickly after that.

To cut a long and very painful story short, my relationship with J turned out to be one of the most difficult of my life. The archetypal volatile artist, he is also from an older generation whose beliefs and rules about relationships clashed hugely with my own. But we wanted to be together so we persisted, and bit by bit my confidence, self-esteem and belief in my ability to make decisions or really do anything, all started to dissolve.

Eventually, something in me stood up and said ‘enough now’; my little voice of independence perhaps! After two and half months of rows and tears, I ended it. After the initial sadness (which was gut-wrenching but blessedly short), I felt an extraordinary sense of relief and empowerment. Suddenly my world opened up and I could sense endless possibilities laid out before me. I had thought I would be depressed to be alone again, but what actually happened was I got myself back.

Somehow J and I are now closer than ever before. The pressure of being a couple has been released, and for me that means I can be who I am and not have to fight for it. I am free to do my own thing the way I want to do it, and although that may not sound like much it’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me, not least because I made it happen.

Going through this year’s challenges has helped me to get to know myself, and to like that person, and to provide myself with a stable platform from which to leap into the world and do the things I came here to do.

Next year I will be choosing another word; I’ve already decided it will be ‘expansion’. I’ve found my independence and now I want to go out into the world and use it.