love

February 3, 2013 by Tara 4 Comments

“Precious Illusions”

by Alanis Morrissette

You’ll rescue me right?
In the exact same way they never did
I’ll be happy right?
When your healing powers kick in

You’ll complete me right?
Then my life can finally begin
I’ll be worthy right?
Only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won’t work now the way it once did
And I won’t keep it up even though I would love to
Once I know who I’m not then I’ll know who I am
But I know I won’t keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will help me yet, as will you knight in shining armour
This pill will help me yet, as will these boys gone through like water

But this won’t work as well as the way it once did
Cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
And though I know who I’m not I still don’t know who I am
But I know I won’t keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I’ve spent so long firmly looking outside me
I’ve spent so much time living in survival mode

This won’t work now the way it once did
Cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
And now I know who I’m not
I still don’t know who I am
But I know I won’t keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with childhood best friends

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It’s like she got inside my head {and my heart} and wrote down what she found there. I’m here to report that if you are not familiar with what shattered illusions feel like, it IS like parting with invisible best friends, albeit ones that are not doing you any good.

Right now I’m knee deep in compassion for the girl with the romantic fairy tale dreams who found out they were illusions, and just beginning to get to know the woman whose strength, knowledge of and love for who she really is are taking her into an unknown future that will not look anything like the past.

Filed Under: journey, love, youtube Tagged With: alanis morrissette, music, precious illusions

September 27, 2012 by Tara 6 Comments

Hello lovelies

Thank you for all the love and support you’ve sent since my last post. It has been a great comfort.

Jeanne always says to me ‘change is the only constant’, and this past week may have been my most profound lesson yet in that particular perception. I am keen to maintain the ratio of mainly-art-and-just-a-little-learning-and-wisdom-I-pick-up-along-the-way here, but let’s just say that where I previously had a lot of stories and old programmes around the ‘Disney’ perspective on love and the ‘loss’ of it, a veil has at least been partially lifted now.

Believing that my relationship with the man I love had been lost and irreparably broken was intensely painful, and not in fact true. Nothing is lost, only changed. I can sit in the pit of despair or I can embrace the new form our relationship is taking. A period to grieve is perhaps still necessary, but now a new present and future open up in front of me, where the connection we share is still very much alive, and I also now have the freedom to explore what comes next for me.

And that’s pretty exciting! There is a tiny glow starting to form at the end of the tunnel as far as selling my flat and buying and moving into the new one are concerned. It feels like it’s taking forever but I’m reliably informed that around three months is normal.

I am writing a book. I have decided to treat myself to the self study version of Jen Louden and Michele Lisenbury Christensen’s TeachNow course, in preparation for running art sessions from my new studio once I’ve moved. I have been spending the past few weeks brainstorming, making notes, researching and planning. I will talk more about this later but the fundamental premise is to offer a safe, supportive space for people wishing to explore or rediscover their creativity. The book dovetails with this and I will shortly be putting another page on this website for further information.

I leave you with a little sketch I did of one of my Buddha statues. I drew it without looking at the page, then played with watercolour pencils, pen and charcoal.

Filed Under: journey, love, online classes, sketchbook Tagged With: buddha, love, relationship, sketch, sketchbook

September 20, 2012 by Tara 16 Comments

I took this photo when I did Vivienne McMaster’s Wading In class. I remembered it last night and even though I don’t really know what I’m about to write it felt like the right image.

D and I parted ways last night. I feel like something has been severed in me. I feel like I lost my best friend. Jeanne says it’s not really a loss, just a shift, but I think I will have to get through the grieving part before I can truly see the truth in that.

Sometimes loving someone with your whole heart really just isn’t enough. We had kind of a bumpy ride it’s true, but I didn’t want it to come to this. It seems we just reached capacity.

I feel so sad. I want to find the good, probably partly because it hurts so much and I want to feel better. I’ve been here before {haven’t we all?}, and it never gets easier but I do know from experience now that I will get through it, and see the light that comes through the crack. And ultimately I may be grateful.

I don’t know you guys, this year has battered me around a fair bit, and I’m sure it has challenged you too {in some cases I know that’s true}. I don’t want to see myself as a victim; this was my choice as much as it was his. I have plenty to focus on with my imminent move and new life starting. I have friends and loved ones who support me. You just keep walking forward towards the light the best you can. {Maybe with one or two pit stops for wailing and handwringing.}

Thanks for listening. I have a couple of paintings on the way and I look forward to feeling more like myself again. I feel grateful to know you are out there, living your life and walking forward too.

Much love xoxo

Filed Under: journey, love Tagged With: heart break, love, sadness

August 8, 2012 by Tara 7 Comments

I wrote this post months ago but for some reason never published it. Gill Edwards has since passed away; I recently read one of her books, Life is a Gift, and am now almost finishing Living Magically, both of which I have REALLY loved, so now feels like a good time to share this.

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I read an article a while ago about Gill Edwards, a healer, psychologist and author of several books. She talked about an experience she had at the place in the Sinai Desert where Moses was said to have received the Ten Commandments.

I was brought up in a Christian home and school, and it never resonated for me. I rejected it pretty early on, and one of the reasons was the dictatorialness of it {if that wasn’t a word before, it is now}, or at least the way it was presented. {We got punished if we didn’t go to church! There’s no way God would be ok with that, I just know it.} The Ten Commandments are a classic example of this. As Gill puts it ~

I have long felt uneasy with the Ten Commandments, because of the negativity and judgment they carry, and their parental and imprisoning tone. Saying ‘Thou shalt not…’ is such bad psychology – guaranteed to throw people into shame, conflict or rebellion… Surely we could find more positive, empowering and inspiring guidelines for our lives?

Anyway, Gill’s experience brought her the Ten Invitations, and these make so much more sense to me I thought I would share them with you.

The Ten Invitations

1. You are invited to love yourself, others and life without condition – trusting that, in an evolving Universe, everything is unfolding perfectly.

2. You are invited to do whatever makes your heart sing and your spirit dance. Only that.

3. You are invited to live fearlessly and passionately – to step into your divinity, while embracing your humanity.

4. You are invited to treat yourself and others with extraordinary respect and kindness – reaching out with love towards all beings, and seeing the Light within everyone.

5. You are invited to honour everyone else’s beliefs, feelings, values and choices – knowing these add to the variety of life, and that everyone’s path or guidance is unique.

6. You are invited to honour the earth, your body and all creation as sacred and divine – and to celebrate life in all its richness.

7. You are invited to choose your own mission or purpose, expressing your creative gifts, talents and vision in whatever way feels most joyful.

8. You are invited to listen to the inner voice of Love, which always sets you free – knowing that your goodness and worthiness are never in question, and that you can do no wrong.

9. You are invited to trust in a loving and abundant Universe. Ask and it is given. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened.

10. You are invited to follow your dreams and desires – trusting your feelings, and using your imagination, to create your own heaven on earth.

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Even if these don’t all sing to you, how much gentler and more enticing to be invited, than commanded. {And then given detention for not obeying.}

I really recommend ‘Life is a Gift’ and ‘Living Magically’; Gill writes with an empathic gentleness that brings me comfort every time I open her books. Her words and message are clear and simple; you feel like you are in the company of a wise and supportive mentor. I will definitely be reading more of her books. Have you read any of them? Any thoughts/recommendations?

Filed Under: journey, love Tagged With: Gill Edwards, life is a gift, living magically, religion, spirituality, the ten invitations

July 6, 2012 by Tara 4 Comments

Ah, romantic gestures.

I did one for D. He has a lot on his plate at the moment so {with a little help} I concocted a week long gift that would remind him of what is joyful about what we share, and also what he needs to remember to do!

Every day for a week he received a hand delivered squishy envelope containing a vintage looking luggage tag embellished with a meaningful quote and a stone with a hand drawn letter on it. {SO fun to do.}

I mixed up the stones so he would have to work out what word the stones spelled at the end of the week. I spent quite some time choosing quotes that were relevant to us, writing them out with my amazing calligraphy pen, choosing stones, drawing the letters on, then wrapping each one in a piece of linen and making handwritten labels for the envelopes.

Note to all those thinking this is an awesome idea. It is. But also, if you don’t indicate that this week long gift fest is from you, there may be some confusion and misunderstanding, leading to necessary explanations, which is NOT romantic. {Don’t ask.}

Filed Under: crafts, creativity, love, quote Tagged With: love, love letters, quotes, stones, tags

May 22, 2012 by Tara 12 Comments

That’s actually the name of one of my favourite Jason Mraz songs, but it’s fitting. D and I are taking a time out; it’s not what I want although I guess on some level it must be, but the fact is I am very very sad right now. I am getting on with my life, I am ok, I still laugh and dance and continue my love affair with the beach, but there’s a big lump of sad trailing around behind me just now.

I don’t know what will happen, I can only hold a space for Something Wonderful, even if that doesn’t ultimately look like what I right now hope it might. I’m doing a lot of thinking too, and some ideas for paintings are percolating and will be show-and-telled when they come into being, but for now, I can’t {and don’t want to} pretend I am not sad.

There are so many complicated {and yet somehow simple} feelings when you part ways with someone; someone said to me it is a grieving process even though no one has died. I guess the thing that died was the potential of the future you saw growing. It’s not that now there is no future of course, only it doesn’t look like what you thought, and even though I have faith that everything happens for a reason, and that whatever comes next can only be magnificent, there is no point pretending to myself that I am only excited about that. That I don’t have fear and sorrow, confusion and even some anger. To not honour those would be to deny them and have to deal with them later anyway.

I wasn’t going to say any of this. I am not asking for sympathy {although I take my comfort where I can find it!}; I know there is nothing to say. It is a part of my life though and I guess it wanted to be said. And I also know that there are many many many of us {human beans} who are being buffeted about these days. If it’s not 2012 stuff it’s planetary alignments or solar or lunar eclipses, or just weird energy that brings change out of nowhere and smacks us upside the head repeatedly in a variety of imaginative ways.

And so if shitty or difficult or sad things are happening to you or your loved ones, I send you enormous beams of love and endless streams of miracles. I send you big spaces where you can breathe deeply and feel peace, enormous reserves of strength within you and big swathes of hugs to support you. May your light shine brightly and bring healing to all you come across, starting with you.

{And if you don’t need it right now, maybe that message is for me after all.}

Filed Under: brighton, healing, journey, love, the beach Tagged With: flowers, love, photos, sadness, seagulls, the beach

January 5, 2012 by Tara 4 Comments

I know this has been doing the rounds but every time I stumble across it it takes my breath away, and today I got to see it for reals, in a much smaller {less birds} way. There are starlings that like to hang out on the burned bones of the West Pier here in Brighton, and in the evenings they do this beautiful dance over the water. I saw it this evening as the sun was setting and I thought my heart might explode.

Love looks like this. {I’m considering that my small stone for the day.}

Murmuration from Sophie Windsor Clive on Vimeo.

I would stand on the beach and watch this every evening for the rest of my life if I could. If I had any techie knowledge I’d show the video I made this evening, although it’s not as spectacular.

Filed Under: brighton, love, the beach Tagged With: birds, murmuration, starlings, video

November 21, 2011 by Tara 5 Comments

I am an auntie again.

Baby Jay Whitbread, born 17th November 2011, 7lb 20z. Looks a bit like his sister (Amber, nearly two). I haven’t met him yet but am looking forward to squishing him {gently!} and smelling his baby smell. He has a few marks on his face; Amber had these too and they just faded away; apparently they’re called stork marks!

Goodness knows what Amber will make of this new change in her world…

Welcome to the world baby Jay! xxx

Filed Under: love Tagged With: amber, auntie, baby, family, jay

August 25, 2011 by Tara 2 Comments

Remember my most recent painting? It found its owner very quickly!

Only she wanted the orange part to be red, and I think she’s going to hang it horizontal. White Space by Tara Leaver

She was reticent to ask me to change it, and on reflection I can see why; I’m not sure how I’d feel about asking an artist to change their painting for me! It sort of says, ‘It’s not quite good enough as you created it, but if you change it, I’ll like it enough to buy it.’ The implication being that someone else knows better than you do how to make your work.

Which, to go slightly off piste for a moment, made me think of all the reading and thinking I’ve been doing lately about unconditional love and how it means accepting someone as they are, not expecting them to change into what would be acceptable for you, which I realised is very often dressed up as what is ‘right’. I’ve lost count of the times I was angry with my ex because his behaviour was ‘unacceptable’; actually I see now that his behaviour was just him being who he is and that it was unacceptable according to what I deemed to be ok, as if I was the authority on ‘how things should be’. How very conditional my love was then!

It’s simple but not easy. Unconditional love can feel like an unattainable ideal. But who are we to say how someone else should be, when really what we mean is how they should be so we would love them?

I am rambling. I probably shouldn’t write my blog posts late at night. I’m not even sure any of this follows!

I learned a while back about non-attachment to paintings, and since then I find my ego is no longer involved in any part of the process, from conception to sale. So I was happy to change my painting for the buyer; it is after all a very small change in terms of work, although aesthetically I preferred the original myself. But then I am all about the orange lately. White Space II by Tara Leaver

But the painting is for her, not for me, and I actually love that it became a collaboration in the end.

What do you feel about this? Would you change a painting if someone asked you to? Would you be insulted and find it presumptuous or enjoy the challenge and the collaboration?

I think the key is whether or not you are attached to your paintings and consider them yours. I know that may sound strange but I never feel I can take the entire credit for a painting; no matter how much or how little intention or ideas or input I have, no matter how hard I worked or how long it took, no painting I produce is done without the help of Creative Source. So ‘my’ paintings are no longer mine these days; this is not false modesty ~ I still have a part to play in getting paint onto canvas ~ and yes I love them too, because I created them; but they do not ‘belong’ to me.

I love them, I let them be what they need to be, and I let them go. Kind of like I am practicing doing with my ex.

It’s much easier with a painting.

Filed Under: art, love, mixed media art, mixed media painting, musings, painting, paintings Tagged With: mixed media painting, painting, sold

April 1, 2011 by Tara 9 Comments

I’m going a little off piste today. Being confined to the sofa means a) I’m not painting and b) I’m doing a lot of thinking. (Uh oh!) And I’m currently thinking about self love. Everywhere I look lately people seem to be talking about loving yourself and how you must do that before you can love anyone else/give to the world etc. I totally subscribe to this concept having seen the opposite in action, and like so many things I understand it intellectually, but when it comes to APPLYING it…. well, I’m a bit stuck!Usually when people talk about self love it seems to be in the context of pampering, of doing a physical thing to ‘make yourself feel better’. I am advised to take long hot bubble baths, read, get out in nature, treat myself to things that make me happy basically.I like a bath, I love to read, and there can be no denying that nature is a great soother of the soul. But something is not clicking into place here. I’m stuck on the how. Maybe having a bath isn’t really me reminding myself that I’m loveable and worthy exactly as I am; maybe it’s someone else’s way of saying it and I need something different. How can I not know what I value enough to give it to myself?!I am not sure I know more than one or two people who really do love themselves, without conceit or bombast. Who have just quietly accepted themselves with a great and gentle love and feel no need to talk about it or prove it in any way. I know an awful lot of people who don’t; people I think are fabulous on every level who find things in themselves to criticise and reject. They are the same people who tell me all the time that I am too hard on myself. I know it. It’s a theme of my life. It’s not that I want to be mean to myself; I am just not at all sure how to change it. (Or why I even started it, but that’s another story!)I would love to know your thoughts on this! We all know we need to love ourselves more. How do you do it? How do you make the leap from a lifetime of not feeling good enough, of your worth being conditional on what you do, to a genuine deep down acceptance and love for yourself exactly as you are? I am not convinced that a bath is gonna do it frankly.I’m aware that I am still looking outside myself here; I’m asking you for what works for you, when that may not work for me. I just feel that until I make that ‘click’ of understanding, not just in my brain but in my heart and soul too, I won’t know what it really means to love yourself. Perhaps it’s a tiny step at a time kind of process. Each kind thing you do for yourself leads to love. I’m pretty sure it’s not a sudden ‘Boom! Yesterday I didn’t love you, now I do!’ kind of thing. I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences with this. And I’ll keep you posted about any sofa revelations!

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I recently signed up to emails from The Daily Love. I sign up to lots of newsletters and then filter out the ones that don’t resonate for me. This one really does; its creator, Mastin, is both wise and accessible. I always seem to find something to take comfort from in the emails. I recommend it for a little boost of Good Stuff that doesn’t take long to read and gives you things to mull over as you go about your day.

Filed Under: healing, hearts, journey, love Tagged With: self love