I was going to post something else today, but have decided to talk about truth instead. It would be really easy for me to give a certain impression ~ about myself, what I’m doing, and what my life is like. {Such is the opportunity of the internet.}

However, one of the things I’ve learned about myself over the last few months is how highly I value transparency; I don’t mean I demand it from others, {although it would really help sometimes!}, but I don’t feel right in myself if I’m not clear and open about my experience. I have also noticed that transparency gives permission to others to do the same, and relief because of that to both self and others; to paraphrase Brene Brown, shame {feeling bad about who you are} thrives in the dark and cannot withstand the light cast on it by sharing.

Which is not to say that I am spilling my guts either; there are inbuilt boundaries when you’re navigating your own territory which tell you what feels good and right to you. And besides, I would prefer to say nothing if I felt it would neither support nor interest anyone.

The truth is this; I am overwhelmed.

Embarking on an adventure that takes you outside your own self-imposed limits, {even if they are just that ~ limiting}, is an exhilarating combination of exciting and terrifying.

Some days you’re riding the wave, inspiration is flowing, everything falls into place and things seem to magnetize to you like iron filings. Other days, your body will barely move, your brain is full of static from overstimulation without pause, and the tiniest thought will cause a clench of panic as you mentally watch the stack of things that need attention growing ever higher.

I have always been an ‘all or nothing’ sort of person. The implication was always that this is a negative, so I’ve been trying to not be that. The thing is, if the way you are is something that’s socially, culturally or personally deemed as somehow bad, how can you not fall prey to the fear that YOU are wrong?

Story of my life. The point is, someone showed me recently that being an ‘all or nothing’ person is neither a positive nor a negative {all things being neutral until we give them meaning ~ WHY do I always forget this?!}. And therefore I can choose to work with and embrace the way I am, to be on my own team, and not to use it as a stick with which to beat myself when the fears come knocking. Fears love that; it helps them grow.

I have been pouring my focus, energy and passion into my planned ecourse and loving every single minute from the moment I wake up to the moment my head hits the pillow. The way I naturally roll is however simply not sustainable without built in pauses and time outs, precisely because when I’m in the middle of the ‘all’, it feels impossible to spend any time in the ‘nothing’ {and vice versa}.

So I’m standing here {or rather lying ~ all the wind went out of my sails on Friday night and hasn’t quite returned yet}, surveying what just happened, and using it to learn about myself, what I need, and how I can be exactly who I am AND best serve. It’s time to put in or ramp up the self care practices, and that means the ‘nothing’ end of the spectrum.

I freaked right out when this first began demanding my attention. Interestingly, the fears around creating something like an ecourse and putting it out into the world, with all the risk and vulnerability that entails, were not the focus. I noticed that once I’d slipped a little, all the fears I carry about various areas of my life began banging at the door.

And that’s how I knew that none of this is real. By which I mean, all these fears are stories. They are stories about the way I used to see myself {and haven’t entirely replaced yet evidently}, about what I’m capable of, what is worth doing, and whether I have anything of value to offer that will really help people.

Someone said it’s because I believe in what I’m doing so wholeheartedly that I am this afraid. Yin and yang; can’t have one without the other.

So what I’m saying is this. I really, from my bones, want to do this, and I am scared of failing. {I may be scared of succeeding too but I’m never as sure about that one.} I am scared of alienating people with whom I’ve built a connection through this blog by talking about something that may not be relevant or interesting to them. I am scared that I won’t be able to sustain the energy required to make a success of this.

What feels right to me is to be honest about that, out of respect for both myself and for you, and the necessity to stop pretending in any area of my life.

I know not everyone wants to share or reveal what feels like weakness. I didn’t want to either at first; I still feel some anxiety that I will lose credibility as someone who knows enough to share that knowledge. I mustered the courage to speak about my fears with a group of creative friends and I am so glad I did. The heartfelt support from women who know what it feels like brought me to tears.

Which is why I am saying all of this. It’s easy to get the impression that everything is easy and fun and light, and while that is true, it’s also true that it’s scary and overwhelming.

Thank you for reading if you got this far! I am absolutely fine and not looking for sympathy; I’ve regained my balance with a combination of support from both within and without, and am moving forward again! And yes, I’m still scared! I have learned what I need when this happens {these photos hold visual clues!} and can perhaps even see it coming next time and do what’s necessary to avoid falling in the hole.

Are you an all or nothing person or do you have a more measured approach? Have you experienced embarking on a project you were so in love with that it brought every fear out of the cupboard and threatened to paralyse you? Or something like that but less dramatic?! I know that sharing these ‘darker’ sides isn’t comfortable, but I’d like to think that this is a safe place to share and be supported. You are so welcome to open up here, if you like. It helps me too!

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