These words seem to give a context to and explanation for my entire existence. Something happens inside me every time I read them; a homecoming.
{Also I’m learning how to do graphics so get ready to see more of this kind of sophisticated technological wizardry.}
I’m thinking a lot about coming home lately. By which I mean coming home inside, to myself, to the Truth. It sounds kind of sweeping and grand, and oh look at me and how spiritual I am {ugh} but it’s really such a simple thing. Simple but not necessarily easy.
Four months into my long retreat, I no longer know, with my limited participation in the ‘outside world’, how my new internally discovered perspectives and truths might be perceived.
Like the fact that I can connect deeply with someone I care about without actually seeing or speaking to them. Or that I have found silence and aloneness infinitely preferable to company as a way to live. Sometimes it’s been so long since I spoke that when I do my voice is raspy.
I wonder if people will think I’m living in an ivory tower where nothing difficult ever happens because I don’t engage in ‘real life’ or keep up with current events. That I’m somehow irresponsible and self-absorbed. {Which as we know are both Heinous Crimes.}
You wouldn’t believe the amount of conversations I’ve had in my head with my ego disguised as some nebulous and sceptical character who challenges everything I do, believe in and think about. {Or perhaps you would.}
These imaginary dialogues are a way of working out what’s so fundamentally true to me that a challenge wouldn’t shake me or make me forget; something that used to happen frequently. A way I establish home in myself.
It worried me at first how much I don’t need to see or speak to people. But as time passes and I keep following this path from head to heart {the shortest and longest of my life}, the less it seems important.
It’s not that I no longer care about people; quite the opposite in fact. I am learning what elements for me are important ~ essential in fact ~ in a meaningful, fulfilled, connected, joyful life. Some of it is surprising, possibly controversial.
Connection is essential. Casual chat is not.
Loving honesty is essential. Pretending to be ok with something when I’m not is not. {Which annoyingly doesn’t mean I find it easy.}
Silence and white space is essential. A social life is not.
Creating is essential. Hanging out is not.
Experiencing how something feels is essential. Basing anything on how something looks is not.
Daily practices are essential. Routine is not.
Listening to my own drum is essential. Explaining its beats or being distracted by others’ is not.
Noticing and gratitude are essential. Filtering everything through my logical left brain is not.
Knowing and honouring my values is essential. Modifying behaviour to help people be comfortable is not. {My hardest one.}
Presence is essential. Planning and thinking ahead are not.
Service is essential. Doing anything to make or keep someone else happy is not.
What is essential is invisible to the eye.
~The Little Prince
I saw somewhere the other day a piece of art bearing that sentiment between lovers that ‘home is wherever you are’. The implication that ‘home is where the heart is… and mine’s with you’ seems dangerous to me now. As much as I love romance, for me it is truer to say and more necessary to know that home is wherever I am. When I am in the fullness of what that means I feel expansive and strong and free, and very loving. After all, if home is where you are, and you leave, I’m homeless.
And, perhaps most importantly, when I’m really standing in the centre of that, I am of greater service ~ in love, in friendship, in connection, in inspiration, in support ~ than I ever was when I was trying to be all things to all people and home was just the place I lived in. Sometimes it doesn’t look like it because my choices might disappoint or anger, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t it.
I still have a long way to go. I am not ready to go back ‘out there’. But it’s coming. Spending time getting to know my Self, coming home to who I really am beyond conditioned self, is beginning to take shape. As is how it will look and feel when I fully embody it. Some days it feels a painfully slow and belaboured process; I practice remembering the truth of divine timing.
The roots and wings I’m growing on my own will ultimately accompany me back out into the world as a much more honest, compassionate, and real person than I was before. I will be home, and that will make all the difference.
Wow, there’s so much of this that rings true here.
People often ask me if I get lonely on my own, and wouldn’t I like to have somebody in my life…
I do occasionally have a day where I’d like to share time with somebody, and it’s a little lonely; but I’m used to my own company now and even having my daughters here to look after me for a few days was odd. I find that I can sit and lose an hour or two just thinking about the whichness of why, or the wherefore of what. The only time with company that i look forward to is the weekly meditation/Reiki evening with two friends that I share a special connection with.
Having spent 2 months convalescing, I’ve discovered that most of the people I know (and this includes family) have been conspicuous by their absence, with the result that the ‘people_who_matter’ list has shrunk considerably. As you say, it seems strange at first, but then it becomes kind of liberating to do your own thing.
Hi Nigel! How lovely to see you here again. Wishing you a speedy recovery; a two month convalescence sounds quite major.
I’m glad you found something familiar here; this was one of those posts I was quite nervous to publish. I think people sometimes find it weird that when most people around my age are either settled down with families or out partying and socialising, I don’t fall into either of those categories {although I used to do a lot of the latter}. And yes, nothing like some time out to gain clarity on who is really important to you!
Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
LOVE
G xx
This is SO beautiful. And brave. And true. Well done for hitting the Publish button! 😉
reading this is an incredibly deep *exhale* for me….
you’ve articulated something that i feebly attempted to do earlier this week…after ruminating on the silence of our post-storm lack of electricity.
i think i probably offended some people with my thoughts on social media, but it was meant to be concerning *my* experience and not a commentary on how it works for others. it’s about balance and finding what works best for each person….
mostly i stuck my foot in my mouth.
anyway.
less and less i want to be *out there* — we joke in our little family of not wanting to travel “east of the roundabout” — which is when the road has taken us too far from home…lol
and this is a rambling, nonsensical way of saying “i hear you” — truly. silence, solitude…these are things that nourish me and i increasingly shy away from the bright lights and sparkle and constant “chatter” of everything…interwebs or real life..
*sigh*
shutting up now…lol
xoxoxoxox
I haven’t had time to look at blogs the last few days, so now obviously I will have to go back and see yours! I always think it’s rather a given that anything written on a personal blog is the opinions/feelings of that person, not The Law. So why get offended?
Yes, silence IS golden. 🙂
Knowing yourself and being content within yourself is something I’m striving for as well. It’s a commitment and one I believe is worth making. You’ve inspired me. xo
It is a commitment Sherry; the most important you can make I think. I’m so happy to have inspired you. And it’s lovely to see you here again. 🙂
Hello x
I feel reading your words as if they could have been mine xx
Thank you xx you have made me feel less…? I don’t know, but having spent the last year recovering from a breakdown…and making some choices to restrict the outside worlds negative influences on my mind… Less alone? Not a freak?
I have no idea what the news is anymore! And I don’t miss it… It seems trivial now… I would rather spend my time watching the bees outside…
Any way thought I would just say thank you, and that I am not alone is nice xx
Take care x
Nicola x
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here Nicola and I’m so glad it helped you. 🙂
Dear Tara, I encountered your post right at the time that I needed to read it. I believe in divine timing too and I tried to absorb what your point is. Thank you so much honey and good luck on your journey! xo xo
Hi Parisa, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here, and I’m so pleased you found it helpful. 🙂